by Lorraine Cink
There is only one week until the Presidential election. Here's what is left for you to do, involved citizen:
1 – Celebrate Halloween! If you want to scare people, remind them what four more years of the Republican Party will be like. Not scared yet? Tell them to imagine what happens when John McCain kicks the bucket and we’re stuck with Sarah ‘I spent $150,000 of your money on suits’ Palin.
2- Go to a swing state. Say hello to your friends in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Georgia and tell them to vote for Obama. Carve a ‘B’ in their face if they say, ‘No.’
3- Pray. I know we seldom are the praying kind, but it’s time to get down and start worshipping anything if it makes our chance of winning better. I don’t care if it’s a three-headed kitten, get down on your knees and start begging… it’s that or getting down on your knees and taking it from McCain in the backside for 4 years. Your choice.
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
McCain's Momentum
by Michael Bouchard
With the presidential race ticking down to its final days John McCain seems bent on losing by the largest margin possible and everyone around him seems very intent on helping.
For instance, his brother, in an attempt to sway 911 and emergency workers to the cause, cussed out the 911 operator that he had called to complain about traffic.
One of his campaign volunteers has been found to have made up her story that a big black Obama supporter attacked her at an ATM and carved a "B" into her face. The story fell apart when she never showed up on the ATM security cameras and the "B" was carved backwards. Just like you'd expect from someone who carved it in a mirror. There is a moral to this story. Friends don't let friends carve letters into their faces to create a racially charged, political fraud alone.
Trooper-gate still haunts Palin, who claimed when the report came out to have done no wrong, even when the report came out and stated the she had in fact used her power unethically. Palin's argument was to say that there wasn't a particular law against her unethical actions and thus, her actions weren't wrong. Just unethical. So everything is fine...
Except for the fact that when answering a 3rd grader about what the VP does, she totally got it wrong, stating that she would lead the senate. Which she wouldn't. But her title is "President of the Senate" so say her supporters. As if that actually means she'd lead a damn thing. Calling the janitor "Grand High Sultan of Trump Tower" isn't going to fool the janitor. Palin shouldn't expect such nonsense to fool voters.
Follow this with her public and continual condemnation of money spent on fruit fly research. Sadly, she's ignorant of the fact that fruit fly research has led to advances in autism research. Not that she needs that research. She'll just pray that autism away, right?
Michelle Bachman put her foot in her mouth recently, calling for all senators to be investigated by the press to see if any are "anti-American". After getting raked over the coals for calling Obama "anti-American" she went onto Dennis Miller's radio show and only stated that he holds some views (What he says and does. You may know those as the things that make up your "Character") that are anti-American. So, what she's saying is that she shouldn't be held responsible for smearing what Obama says and does as anti-American, only that she thinks what he says and does is anti-American. I wonder if Bill Ayers isn't "anti-American" but only holds "anti-American views". I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.
'Joe the plumber', John McCain's guy crush, was not only found to be not a plumber, but also under suspicion of shady tax proceedings. This all coming from a man who's claim to fame is bitching about the fact that his business, which would make more than $250,000, would be taxed more under Obama than under Bush. But as if to create even more of a silly circus, 'Joe the plumber', has spoken to newspapers about possibly running in 2010 for congress against a woman with a 75% approval rating and has already called his common republican economic ideas silly, seeing how far they've gotten us at the moment.
Lastly, the McCain campaign is still hammering away at Biden's claim that Obama will be tested if he becomes president. Their latest attack ad basically says, vote for McCain or we'll be bombed. This might be shrewd underdog politics if it weren't for the fact that it isn't. Just imagine the fact that Joe Lieberman back in June on Face the Nation, said the same damn thing! "Our enemies will test the new president early." I guess if Lieberman were to follow the McCain party line, he would now advise that in order to avoid the upcoming disaster, you simply shouldn't vote for president at all.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is still going to vote for president because he hates America.
With the presidential race ticking down to its final days John McCain seems bent on losing by the largest margin possible and everyone around him seems very intent on helping.
For instance, his brother, in an attempt to sway 911 and emergency workers to the cause, cussed out the 911 operator that he had called to complain about traffic.
One of his campaign volunteers has been found to have made up her story that a big black Obama supporter attacked her at an ATM and carved a "B" into her face. The story fell apart when she never showed up on the ATM security cameras and the "B" was carved backwards. Just like you'd expect from someone who carved it in a mirror. There is a moral to this story. Friends don't let friends carve letters into their faces to create a racially charged, political fraud alone.
Trooper-gate still haunts Palin, who claimed when the report came out to have done no wrong, even when the report came out and stated the she had in fact used her power unethically. Palin's argument was to say that there wasn't a particular law against her unethical actions and thus, her actions weren't wrong. Just unethical. So everything is fine...
Except for the fact that when answering a 3rd grader about what the VP does, she totally got it wrong, stating that she would lead the senate. Which she wouldn't. But her title is "President of the Senate" so say her supporters. As if that actually means she'd lead a damn thing. Calling the janitor "Grand High Sultan of Trump Tower" isn't going to fool the janitor. Palin shouldn't expect such nonsense to fool voters.
Follow this with her public and continual condemnation of money spent on fruit fly research. Sadly, she's ignorant of the fact that fruit fly research has led to advances in autism research. Not that she needs that research. She'll just pray that autism away, right?
Michelle Bachman put her foot in her mouth recently, calling for all senators to be investigated by the press to see if any are "anti-American". After getting raked over the coals for calling Obama "anti-American" she went onto Dennis Miller's radio show and only stated that he holds some views (What he says and does. You may know those as the things that make up your "Character") that are anti-American. So, what she's saying is that she shouldn't be held responsible for smearing what Obama says and does as anti-American, only that she thinks what he says and does is anti-American. I wonder if Bill Ayers isn't "anti-American" but only holds "anti-American views". I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.
'Joe the plumber', John McCain's guy crush, was not only found to be not a plumber, but also under suspicion of shady tax proceedings. This all coming from a man who's claim to fame is bitching about the fact that his business, which would make more than $250,000, would be taxed more under Obama than under Bush. But as if to create even more of a silly circus, 'Joe the plumber', has spoken to newspapers about possibly running in 2010 for congress against a woman with a 75% approval rating and has already called his common republican economic ideas silly, seeing how far they've gotten us at the moment.
Lastly, the McCain campaign is still hammering away at Biden's claim that Obama will be tested if he becomes president. Their latest attack ad basically says, vote for McCain or we'll be bombed. This might be shrewd underdog politics if it weren't for the fact that it isn't. Just imagine the fact that Joe Lieberman back in June on Face the Nation, said the same damn thing! "Our enemies will test the new president early." I guess if Lieberman were to follow the McCain party line, he would now advise that in order to avoid the upcoming disaster, you simply shouldn't vote for president at all.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is still going to vote for president because he hates America.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Tonight’s Second Presidential Debate Drinking Game
by Lorraine Cink
In honor of tonight's 2nd Presidential Debate, Mostly True News brings you a very special way to enjoy your political awareness: with drinking!!!
The Rules:
3. Take three drinks if McCain smiles with his mouth, but looks like he is going to kill someone with his eyes.
4. Waterfall every time Tom Brokaw says his or either candidate’s name.
5. Take a drink whenever you see/hear:
-“Big Business”
-McCain’s rebuttal begins with anything about Obama’s inexperience
The Rules:
1. Start with a waterfall that begins as Tom Brokaw, moderator, explains the debate proceedings.
2. Every time John McCain mentions Sarah Palin take a drink (if he goes the whole debate without saying her name and is praying no one remembers that she’s his running mate, take a shot of tequila).
2. Every time John McCain mentions Sarah Palin take a drink (if he goes the whole debate without saying her name and is praying no one remembers that she’s his running mate, take a shot of tequila).
3. Take three drinks if McCain smiles with his mouth, but looks like he is going to kill someone with his eyes.
4. Waterfall every time Tom Brokaw says his or either candidate’s name.
5. Take a drink whenever you see/hear:
-“Big Business”
-McCain’s rebuttal begins with anything about Obama’s inexperience
-"Trillion Dollars"
-Obama calls McCain “John”
-Whenever a candidate interrupts the other.
-“Wall Street/ Main Street”
-Anyone makes an awkward joke.
-Obama calls McCain “John”
-Whenever a candidate interrupts the other.
-“Wall Street/ Main Street”
-Anyone makes an awkward joke.
-Obama equates McCain to Bush.
-“Osama Bin Laden” (if you see Osama Bin Laden, start looking for a 3rd party candidate)-“God” (if you see God, chug the rest of your beer).
6. Take a shot if:
-anyone ever calls Obama “Osama” by mistake.
-John McCain looks Barack Obama directly in the eye when he speaks.
-If McCain says the word "maverick" you must take a shot and then stand-up and say, "Yeehaw, Mother Fucker!!!"
6. Take a shot if:
-anyone ever calls Obama “Osama” by mistake.
-John McCain looks Barack Obama directly in the eye when he speaks.
-If McCain says the word "maverick" you must take a shot and then stand-up and say, "Yeehaw, Mother Fucker!!!"
-If Obama makes any reference to McCain's age, take a shot and sing the chorus to Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young".
POST DEBATE:
Watch CNN’s Fact Check for an after party blow out!
You will need to take a shot for every wrong ‘fact’ from either candidate. If your candidate’s opponent is wrong, after each shot you must stand-up, shake your ass and say “Awwwww, yeeeeeaaaaaah! Booyakasha!”
POST DEBATE:
Watch CNN’s Fact Check for an after party blow out!
You will need to take a shot for every wrong ‘fact’ from either candidate. If your candidate’s opponent is wrong, after each shot you must stand-up, shake your ass and say “Awwwww, yeeeeeaaaaaah! Booyakasha!”
--Lorraine would like you not to die of alcohol poisoning until after voting season.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Debate
By Michael Bouchard
I've watched both debates now and I'm getting a feel for how the strategy works when you're in a debate for the President. I want to pass this onto you, our readers, so that when you are up on stage running for the highest or second highest office in the land of the United States of America, making decisions for millions of Americans, you too can take advantage of these tactics.
1) Talk about the fact that you've been everywhere. No matter what your voting record is, even if you've voted against the betterment of any country, it won't matter if you ceaselessly repeat that you've shortly visited those places (protected by bodyguards).
2) Talk about things you did a long time ago. Because if you did something even arguably right 30 years ago, you can use that long ago, irrelevant decision and equate it to an everlasting correctness in whatever you're proposing now and will ever possibly in the future, no matter how inane your proposals actually are.
3) Wink. I just learned this. Apparently, people think you better understand any matter that effects millions of people and the rest of the world, when you wink at them.
4) Don't say anything. Talk a lot about things people will simply agree with. "We need to be good people" is a comment that no one will disagree with. Continue to hammer on things that are no-brainers and no one can say that you screwed up. Just hope that no one notices that you haven't actually said anything of substance.
5) Don't answer questions. FUCK QUESTIONS. Who needs them? All questions do are force you to answer what you're asked. And that is fascist. Instead, you should refuse to answer what you're asked and talk about whatever the hell it is you want to. Doing so shows that you're a "maverick" and that you won't be held down by things like "questions". You won't let the evil liberal media pin you down with "gotcha" lines like, "What newspapers or magazines do you read?"; an obvious ploy to get you to say something that your handlers haven't prepared you to say. (Questions are to be avoided even more when it is your very competency that is in question. Nothing will undermine your claim of being qualified more than giving answers that are filled with substance.)
6) Talk about your family. Anyone who has given birth(a very small number apparently), is qualified to lead or co-lead of the ‘free’ world.
7) Memorize things. No matter what happens, if you repeat what you've been told, people will be impressed. I know this for a fact. As an actor, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked: "How do you memorize all those lines?", I wouldn't be writing for a political comedy blog right now. I’d be taking a money bath.
8) Lower the expectations. If prior to your debate you repeatedly show that you lack the ability to think thoughts and then put those thoughts into words, it will be that much easier to defy expectations when it turns out that you do have that ability. Somewhat.
9) If all else fails, lean on the other people around you to say what a good job you did, regardless of what a bad job you did.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is winking at you right now.
I've watched both debates now and I'm getting a feel for how the strategy works when you're in a debate for the President. I want to pass this onto you, our readers, so that when you are up on stage running for the highest or second highest office in the land of the United States of America, making decisions for millions of Americans, you too can take advantage of these tactics.
1) Talk about the fact that you've been everywhere. No matter what your voting record is, even if you've voted against the betterment of any country, it won't matter if you ceaselessly repeat that you've shortly visited those places (protected by bodyguards).
2) Talk about things you did a long time ago. Because if you did something even arguably right 30 years ago, you can use that long ago, irrelevant decision and equate it to an everlasting correctness in whatever you're proposing now and will ever possibly in the future, no matter how inane your proposals actually are.
3) Wink. I just learned this. Apparently, people think you better understand any matter that effects millions of people and the rest of the world, when you wink at them.
4) Don't say anything. Talk a lot about things people will simply agree with. "We need to be good people" is a comment that no one will disagree with. Continue to hammer on things that are no-brainers and no one can say that you screwed up. Just hope that no one notices that you haven't actually said anything of substance.
5) Don't answer questions. FUCK QUESTIONS. Who needs them? All questions do are force you to answer what you're asked. And that is fascist. Instead, you should refuse to answer what you're asked and talk about whatever the hell it is you want to. Doing so shows that you're a "maverick" and that you won't be held down by things like "questions". You won't let the evil liberal media pin you down with "gotcha" lines like, "What newspapers or magazines do you read?"; an obvious ploy to get you to say something that your handlers haven't prepared you to say. (Questions are to be avoided even more when it is your very competency that is in question. Nothing will undermine your claim of being qualified more than giving answers that are filled with substance.)
6) Talk about your family. Anyone who has given birth(a very small number apparently), is qualified to lead or co-lead of the ‘free’ world.
7) Memorize things. No matter what happens, if you repeat what you've been told, people will be impressed. I know this for a fact. As an actor, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked: "How do you memorize all those lines?", I wouldn't be writing for a political comedy blog right now. I’d be taking a money bath.
8) Lower the expectations. If prior to your debate you repeatedly show that you lack the ability to think thoughts and then put those thoughts into words, it will be that much easier to defy expectations when it turns out that you do have that ability. Somewhat.
9) If all else fails, lean on the other people around you to say what a good job you did, regardless of what a bad job you did.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is winking at you right now.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Vice Presidential Debate Recap
by Lorraine Cink
-Sarah Palin broke the ice by asking Joe Biden if she could call him 'Joe' as they shook hands. Joe Biden cordially agreed.
-The moderator asked questions of both candidates. Sarah Palin, within the first three or so questions, said that she was not going to answer the questions the way you want. . . I just want to talk to the American people. She then said, 'I have cards to read that John gave me... this is the only thing I am allowed to say . Joe six pack. Hockey moms. Alaska-Alaska-Alaska . I'm a normal American just like you!'
-No one can remember anything Joe Biden said for the first 30 minutes as a strange desire to sleep for 90 second increments took hold of viewers.
-Palin misquoted information about the wars abroad. Biden corrected her for which she chided him... proving you don't have to be right to look right.
-Biden held up a large sign that says 'McCain=Bush'. Palin held up a sign saying 'Palin=Cheney' (insisting that the Vice President's power should be expanded within our current system).
-Sarah Palin hurled accusations that Barack Obama voted against funding to the troops abroad. The SAME bill that McCain voted 'NO' on. Biden reminded her of this several times, but she continued to admonish Obama for doing EXACTLY WHAT MCCAIN DID! Do as McCain says, not as McCain Do's.
-Sarah Palin winked at the camera so much that the cameraman actually took his pants off.
-Near the debate's end, Biden became impassioned nearly to the point of tears talking about his sons' well-being (one of which is now serving overseas). Palin rebutted saying, 'John McCain is a Maverick!'. Seriously, WTF? It was at that moment, it was revealed that Palin was actually replaced by a robot since her last Katie Couric interview.
-After the finish of the debate, Joe Biden shook Sarah Palin's hand vigorously and went in for the goodnight kiss. Palin panicked awkward releasing his death grip and ran to the moderator for a good old fashioned cock-block. One of the members of her enormous brood stormed the stage and handed her her infant... proving that Palin is the annoying woman who brings her crying child out to your Saturday night movie.
Please take our poll at the top right of this page and let us know who you think won the debate!
--MTN will vomit if they hear the word folksy ever again.
More Links we like about the debate:
Fact Check on the Debate
See and/or Read it for Yourself
Analysis and Summary at CNN
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ahhh FREAK OUT!
Ahhh. . . FREAK OUT!!!
Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.
The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.
The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.
In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.
After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.
Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.
Now get out there and start canvasing!
-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)
Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.
The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.
The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.
In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.
After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.
Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.
Now get out there and start canvasing!
-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Introducing the Republican Candidate for VP
Governor Sarah Palin
Don’t be surprised if you don’t know who she is… even most Republicans aren’t sure
by Lorraine Cink
Former Beauty Queen, Sarah “Barracuda” Palin is clearly overqualified for the job of Vice President. She has not only been a member of the City Council for her ethnically diverse hometown of Wasilla (pop. 6,000: 86% White, 14% Other) but also served as Mayor for two whole terms! Since being elected Governor in 2006, Sarah has presided over nearly 700,000 people in the entire state of Alaska… that’s nearly the size of Columbus, OH or 1/13th the size of New York City! Impressive. She has managed to remain Governor, despite a recall campaign for her abuse of power when she fired the Commissioner of Public Safety for refusing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Palin when asked about the incident said, “You fuck with my sistah, I fuck with yo life, bitch!” It’s also worth noting that during the 1990’s Palin was a member of the Alaska Independence Party, which has attempted to help Alaska secede from the union. Go Patriotism!!!
If John “Older-Than-Dirt” McCain, decides to kick the bucket during his undoubtedly strenuous term as President, there’s no doubt that Governor Palin could round up the PTA for an old fashioned bake sale and pull this economy out of its slump. Or perhaps call in the Boy Scouts of America’s Troop 99 to give humanitarian war relief. How different could running this entire country be from (unethically and heavy handedly) running a town of 6,000? Close enough for government work.
Palin isn’t just a political tigress. She and her husband, Todd, are proud parents to five children: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. Sarah named her children after her real world heroes: the cast of Days of Our Lives. Sarah is also mother to an infant who has Down Syndrome. What is most virtuous about Sarah, is her ability to put family first while keeping her priorities intact. It’s much more important to take on the role of ‘token vagina’ than care for her baby with an disorder requiring constant monitoring that can cause congenital heart defects, gastroesophageal reflux disease, recurrent ear infections, obstructive sleep apnea, and thyroid dysfunctions. It’s refreshing to see someone with such strong family values care so much about their family. In addition Palin announced on Labor Day that her booze drinking, unmarried 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is pregnant. Maybe Bristol, her baby and her baby daddy can all live at the White House too?! Now that’s parenting with family values!
Palin is also a lifetime member of the NRA and enjoys hunting, fishing, drinking the blood of small animals and hating gays in the name of Jesus.
read more at www.ORGANICFUNNY.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
