Vice Presidential Debate Recap

by Lorraine Cink

Thursday night Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Joe Biden faced off in the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate.  Mostly True News would like to offer you the highlights of what you may have missed:

-Sarah Palin broke the ice by asking Joe Biden if she could call him 'Joe' as they shook hands.  Joe Biden cordially agreed.  

-The moderator asked questions of both candidates.  Sarah Palin, within the first three or so questions, said that she was not going to answer the questions the way you want. . . I just want to talk to the American people.  She then said, 'I have cards to read that John gave me... this is the only thing I am allowed to say .  Joe six pack.  Hockey moms.  Alaska-Alaska-Alaska . I'm a normal American just like you!'

-No one can remember anything Joe Biden said for the first 30 minutes as a strange desire to sleep for 90 second increments took hold of viewers.

-Palin misquoted information about the wars abroad.  Biden corrected her for which she chided him... proving you don't have to be right to look right.

-Biden held up a large sign that says 'McCain=Bush'.  Palin held up a sign saying 'Palin=Cheney' (insisting that the Vice President's power should be expanded within our current system).

-Sarah Palin hurled accusations that Barack Obama voted against funding to the troops abroad.  The SAME bill that McCain voted 'NO' on.  Biden reminded her of this several times, but she continued to admonish Obama for doing EXACTLY WHAT MCCAIN DID!  Do as McCain says, not as McCain Do's.

-Sarah Palin winked at the camera so much that the cameraman actually took his pants off.

-Near the debate's end, Biden became impassioned nearly to the point of tears talking about his sons' well-being (one of which is now serving overseas).  Palin rebutted saying, 'John McCain is a Maverick!'.  Seriously, WTF?  It was at that moment, it was revealed that Palin was actually replaced by a robot since her last Katie Couric interview.  

-After the finish of the debate, Joe Biden shook Sarah Palin's hand vigorously and went in for the goodnight kiss.  Palin panicked awkward releasing his death grip and ran to the moderator for a good old fashioned cock-block.  One of the members of her enormous brood stormed the stage and handed her her infant... proving that Palin is the annoying woman who brings her crying child out to your Saturday night movie.

Please take our poll at the top right of this page and let us know who you think won the debate!

--MTN will vomit if they hear the word folksy ever again.

More Links we like about the debate:
Fact Check on the Debate
See and/or Read it for Yourself
Analysis and Summary at CNN

Gratuitous Political Lexicon

In our continuing mission to expand the understanding and knowledge of our readers, MTN has put together a quick reference lexicon translating what the candidates actually mean when they speak. MTN has formatted this quick guide so that is is easily printable, framable, tattoo-able, and scar-right-into-your-flesh-with-a-straight-razor-able.

"Change"
Democrats Mean: Instituting new policies directing Washington away from old and ineffective ones.
Republicans Mean: McCain instead of Bush

"Choice"
Democrats Mean: The ability to freely pick between a number of alternatives.
Republicans Mean: The ability to freely pick between what we tell you to do and jail.

"Freedom"
Democrats Mean: The ability to do what you want.
Republicans Mean: A state of being that is only achieved during wartime under a Republican Executive and Congress.

"Elite"
Democrats Mean: Most qualified; Educated; Experienced.
Republicans Mean: Smarter than me.

"Arrogant"
Democrats Mean: To act superior without just casue.
Republicans Mean: To be aware of being smarter than me.

"Slick"
Democrats Mean: The ability to avoid bad press.
Republicans Mean: To be smarter and more capable than me.

"God Bless America"
Democrats Mean: ... not much ...
Republicans Mean: To request that the great omnipotent, American, Republican deity give favor to those others of like convictions.

"Issues"
Democrats Mean: The problems which concern the majority of American voters.
Republicans Mean: Republicans don't actually use this word.

"Character"
Democrats Mean: The quality and merit of ones combined actions, words, and intentions.
Republicans Mean: A trait that is always, by default, better than any democrats, regardless of facts; More important than "Issues"

"Sexist"
Democrats Mean: Comments that are meant to belittle ones sex.
Republicans Mean: Anyone who asks Sarah Palin questions.

Your Economy-Proof Career

by Lorraine Cink

So, you’re unemployed. Already 10% of Americans have nowhere to go at 9am… that’s nearly 1/10th the entire population. That’s a lot of daytime TV, people… more than 30 million potential Oprah watchers.

Let’s face it: the economy is shit. No, it’s not shit (shit has substance). The economy is shit water and it’s heading quickly down the drain. However, there are still work that will need to be done. MTN brings you some of the hottest jobs on the market in this changing economy.

A guide to Your Economy-Proof Career:

Town crier: Once everyone’s personal belongings are seized by the government for declaring bankruptcy, people will still need to get the news somehow. If your laptop hasn’t been repo’d yet, CONGRATS! Get out your bell and little tricorne hat; IT’S TIME FOR SOME LOUD-ASS MOSTLY TRUE NEWS.

Bush-ville Shanty Craftsman: Are you handy with cardboard? The soon epidemic of homeless people won’t be the normal hobo who talks to himself and smells like pee. These discerning buyers will want the best shack money can’t buy.

Suicide Clean-Up Crew: The majority of these jobs will be available in the downtown area of Manhattan. This depression guarantees to cause the most deaths on Wall Street since 9/11.

Governor of Alaska: It seems like there might be an opening soon. Little to no experience or mental capacity required. Nice ass preferred. No more shoveling fries for you Corky.

Money Printer at US Treasury: Why be poor when you can print more? The US Mint is going to be firing the presses like it’s a daily paper. Bye bye dollar value, hello green!

Back Alley Abortionist: People can’t pay for the first two they popped out in the Clinton years. Are you good with a coat hanger?

Soldier: As the country with the biggest mouth, I can assure you we will jump in every war we can get our nose in. If we can’t join yours, we’ll make our own… watch out Canada!

Happy Job Hunting!

--Lorraine doesn't hate you because you're poor. It's just her way.

Economic Meltdown

You may have noticed sporadic positing lately. Well we here at MTN regret to inform you that the recent economic meltdown has effected us as well. (Save yourselves before it's too late! We suggest putting money in shoeboxes and investing in gold, silver and random body parts that could be sold on the black market.) In service to the general public, so that you are capable of looking out for you and yours, we have put together this handy checklist of indicators of whether the economic crisis will effect you. Odds are you will be effected if:

1)You were poor to being with. Chances are you're screwed now.
2) You're a minority. Refer to #1.
3)You're a liberal Caucasian. Refer to #2.
4) There are no more categories.

If by chance you don't fall into any of these categories, please feel free to donate to MTN at your convenience.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is willing to sell, for a reasonable price, many good recipes for Top Ramen.

Financial Downfall in the US

You may have noticed sporadic positing lately. Well we here at MTN regret to inform you that the recent economic meltdown has affected us as well. (Save yourselves before it's too late! We suggest putting money in shoeboxes and investing in gold, silver and random body parts that could be sold on the black market.) In service to the general public, so that you are capable of looking out for you and yours, we have put together this handy checklist of indicators of whether the economic crisis will affect you. Odds are you will be affected if:

1) You were poor to being with. Chances are you're screwed now.
2) You're a minority. Refer to #1.
3) You’re a liberal Caucasian. Refer to #2.
4) There are no more categories.

If by chance you don't fall into any of these categories, please feel free to donate to MTN at your convenience.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is willing to sell, for a reasonable price, many good recipes for Top Ramen.

The Liberal Media

As a young, college educated, multi-ethnic, progressive, ACLU supporting, militantly atheist, baby eating, reality based liberal blogger; I get asked a few questions. As for the answer to most frequently asked question: no I'm not jewish (but I do save the blood of christian babies as I'm told by infallible sources that jews use it in rituals.)

To answer the second most popular question: Babies taste best when cooked with the hearts of adorable kittens wrapped in pages of the bible, grilled over a bed of difficult questions... gives it that liberal flavor.

But lets get to the nitty gritty here: to my mind, the most important question is rarely being asked. That being: "Is the media liberal enough?" To which I heartily answer "NO." And more than that, the present Liberal element that does exist isn't Liberal enough either.

I know this is a shocking statement to make. We hear all the time about how the Liberal media is treating our leaders badly by asking them questions, (and even having the gall to expect answers!) but it should be a clear tip-off to anyone who's functional eyes and ears are not tightly lodged in their anus. This isn't the message we'd hear all the time, if we were immersed in a Liberal media. There are a few other things we'd expect to if we were dominated by such a media that we don't currently.

First off: answers. We don't get those, do we? It's even gotten so bad that our "Liberal media" can't even manage to ask questions to the republican V.P. candidate. And call me "reality based", but I have a hard time believing that you're going to get any answers without those terribly progressive things called "questions".

Next up: Criticism. Apparently, this vicious "Liberal media" can't even get away with pointing out the obvious fact that the Republican V.P. Candidate is not qualified for the position without being labeled as a "sexist". If someone points out that the Republican Presidential Candidate is bold-faced lying, the Candidate is usually accused of engaging in "dirty" politics. Ask about something on the, laughably termed, "100 percent provable" side of things, and you're scorned as part of the "reality based community."

Lastly: Reality. We obviously have none of that in our media as of present. If we did we would expect to see a few indicators of the publics attention to it. As of this posting, the Presidential race is in a statistical dead heat. This fact is set beside the equally dreary truth that our country is being run by a President with the lowest approval rating of all time. Moreover, his would-be successor is proposing policies that are for all intents and purposes exactly the same. And yet, we are in a statistical dead heat? So, either the ‘Liberal media’ is totally ineffective and useless at convincing people of its message, or there is, instead, a "Conservative media", that can convince half the country which hates certain policies, that these policies are actually exactly what they want.

So, I'll conclude this commentary with three other observations (I choose three observations because "three is comedy" and in such situations as these, if you don't laugh, you'll kill someone):

One is, a "well duh" inducing statement: there is no "Liberal media", that you hear mythical stories about from Conservatives. Two, there is instead a Conservative media, and that is why you only hear about a “Liberal media”. And three, in order to deal with this simple logic, Liberals need to grow some balls and stop taking shit and acting like political sissies. If they won't use HIllary's balls, then they can borrow mine.

-Michael Bouchard has balls the size of California. Screw Texas.

Ahhh FREAK OUT!

Ahhh. . . FREAK OUT!!!

Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.

The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.

The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.

In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.

After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.

Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.

Now get out there and start canvasing!

-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)