Dick Cheney Uses the Pot-Kettle-Black Defense

No longer needing to hide behind the face of G.W. Bush, Dick Cheney has recently come out of his bunker to do a flurry of interviews critical of the current president and democrats in general. Here are a few highlights.

In reference to Obama he has been quoted as saying, "I want the country to be less safe now that Obama is in office. Therefore, I hope a terrorist attack, like the one that happened when I was in office, could now happen. If thousands of people could die that would make republicans feel a lot better about their ideals."

In reference to torture he has been quoted as saying "Did you hear that Nancy Pelosi actually knew about the waterboarding that I suggested? We should totally ream her for the fact that she couldn't stop me." He added, "Isn't it hilarious that I'm totally free from punishment on this, but I can still nail someone who was powerless to stop me while I was doing it? Goddamn, I love being a republican."

Cheney has also been quoted in support of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh, while holding a standing hatred of not simply gays and women, but gay women in particular, conceded on the topic 8 years ago: "excepting those homo-dykes related to powerful republicans." Cheney is reported to have attempted to tear up at the quote, but the attempt proved unsuccessful.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD marvels at how Cheney has adapted so quickly to sunlight.

ARNOLD TO RECONCILE WITH CA GAYS

The spell check rejected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has come up with a plan to ease the plight of homosexuals in the wake of legislative moves against them in past months. 

The governor was recently quoted as saying "Look, shits been fucked up since Prop 8, right? The least I can do is legalize ya ten sack." The move has met with opposition though. Complains have been made that the measure is in a conflict of interests with one of it's main funders, Funyuns: Onion Flavored Rings. Critics claim that the company is simply looking to increase it's main consumer base, stoned people, and doesn't care at all about the plight of homosexuals. 

The company responded to these criticisms in a statement saying "Funyuns has always supported the right to have butt sex and is moved more by the cause of supporting girl-on-girl action than it is moved by the almost certain monumental profits we would see if people en masse could get high and devour our product like they were snorting coke off a hookers ass. Or what ever analogy suits you, you get what I mean." A spokesman for the governor said he is planning a long tour of Amsterdam in order to research the issue and that the governor believes his critics are "a bunch a snivling bitches just lookin to keep the homo-man down." 

The governors spokesman also added a word of caution to gays who might take this as a sign that discrimination against them is lessening: "We've got elections looming, so we do expect to fuck [the gays] over a few more times." He then added, "God bless America, support the troops and all that bullshit. Goodnight."

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is going to the bar now to meet with the historical anti-prohibition research subcommittee. 

Palin to Teens

BRISTOL PALIN TO TEENS: "Don't do what I did. Do what I did."

Bristol Palin was on a publicity tour recently, supporting abstinence, and you can almost hear the collective "YES!" from Planned Parenthood centers across the country. I can't express my shock at the audacity of such a move beyond a very high pitched "REALLY?!" Bristol Palin promoting abstinence is like the Rush Limbaugh promoting a life without painkillers. It's like Jenny McCarthy promoting safe pediatrics. It's like Oprah promoting a reality-based worldview. Or maybe it's like a single, unmarried, teenage mother who practiced abstinence as the the only form of birth control, instructing other teens that practicing abstinence as their only form of birth control will keep them from becoming a single, unmarried, teenage mother. 

I mean really, what's next? Sarah Palin going on tour about how to win elections and create bi-partisansip? 

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is beginning to think that the Palins really DO live in Opposite Land. 

VIDEO LINK FOR "Publicity Tour"

http://www.truveo.com/unwed-teen-mother-bristol-palin-embarking-on/id/1907975338

You Missed Us

We missed you too!  Don't worry will  be back and in full affect in May 2009.  

Hugs and Kisses,

Mostly True News

Liberals Worried About The Next Four Years

by Lorraine Cink

With the historic election of the first black President, Democratic candidate Barack Obama, liberals everywhere finally began to breath a sigh of relief.  However, now not only liberals, but comedians, bloggers, college students and even the elderly are concerned that there with be nothing to complain about for the next four years. At least we can rely on the shitty economy and California's Prop 8 to keep us going.

YES WE DID!

Videos to Keep You Occupied While Waiting for Election Polls to Close

Stop. You are going to tred a circle in the carpet! Take a break from worrying, counting and praying... watch a vid or two and take your mind off a few things!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

-- Mostly True News says to vote for Obama or they will hunt you down ... like Governor Palin.

Presidential Election One Week from Today!

by Lorraine Cink

There is only one week until the Presidential election. Here's what is left for you to do, involved citizen:

1 – Celebrate Halloween! If you want to scare people, remind them what four more years of the Republican Party will be like. Not scared yet? Tell them to imagine what happens when John McCain kicks the bucket and we’re stuck with Sarah ‘I spent $150,000 of your money on suits’ Palin.

2- Go to a swing state. Say hello to your friends in Ohio, Pennsylvania or Georgia and tell them to vote for Obama. Carve a ‘B’ in their face if they say, ‘No.’

3- Pray. I know we seldom are the praying kind, but it’s time to get down and start worshipping anything if it makes our chance of winning better. I don’t care if it’s a three-headed kitten, get down on your knees and start begging… it’s that or getting down on your knees and taking it from McCain in the backside for 4 years. Your choice.

McCain's Momentum

by Michael Bouchard

With the presidential race ticking down to its final days John McCain seems bent on losing by the largest margin possible and everyone around him seems very intent on helping.

For instance, his brother, in an attempt to sway 911 and emergency workers to the cause, cussed out the 911 operator that he had called to complain about traffic.

One of his campaign volunteers has been found to have made up her story that a big black Obama supporter attacked her at an ATM and carved a "B" into her face. The story fell apart when she never showed up on the ATM security cameras and the "B" was carved backwards. Just like you'd expect from someone who carved it in a mirror. There is a moral to this story. Friends don't let friends carve letters into their faces to create a racially charged, political fraud alone.

Trooper-gate still haunts Palin, who claimed when the report came out to have done no wrong, even when the report came out and stated the she had in fact used her power unethically. Palin's argument was to say that there wasn't a particular law against her unethical actions and thus, her actions weren't wrong. Just unethical. So everything is fine...

Except for the fact that when answering a 3rd grader about what the VP does, she totally got it wrong, stating that she would lead the senate. Which she wouldn't. But her title is "President of the Senate" so say her supporters. As if that actually means she'd lead a damn thing. Calling the janitor "Grand High Sultan of Trump Tower" isn't going to fool the janitor. Palin shouldn't expect such nonsense to fool voters.

Follow this with her public and continual condemnation of money spent on fruit fly research. Sadly, she's ignorant of the fact that fruit fly research has led to advances in autism research. Not that she needs that research. She'll just pray that autism away, right?

Michelle Bachman put her foot in her mouth recently, calling for all senators to be investigated by the press to see if any are "anti-American". After getting raked over the coals for calling Obama "anti-American" she went onto Dennis Miller's radio show and only stated that he holds some views (What he says and does. You may know those as the things that make up your "Character") that are anti-American. So, what she's saying is that she shouldn't be held responsible for smearing what Obama says and does as anti-American, only that she thinks what he says and does is anti-American. I wonder if Bill Ayers isn't "anti-American" but only holds "anti-American views". I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

'Joe the plumber', John McCain's guy crush, was not only found to be not a plumber, but also under suspicion of shady tax proceedings. This all coming from a man who's claim to fame is bitching about the fact that his business, which would make more than $250,000, would be taxed more under Obama than under Bush. But as if to create even more of a silly circus, 'Joe the plumber', has spoken to newspapers about possibly running in 2010 for congress against a woman with a 75% approval rating and has already called his common republican economic ideas silly, seeing how far they've gotten us at the moment.

Lastly, the McCain campaign is still hammering away at Biden's claim that Obama will be tested if he becomes president. Their latest attack ad basically says, vote for McCain or we'll be bombed. This might be shrewd underdog politics if it weren't for the fact that it isn't. Just imagine the fact that Joe Lieberman back in June on Face the Nation, said the same damn thing! "Our enemies will test the new president early." I guess if Lieberman were to follow the McCain party line, he would now advise that in order to avoid the upcoming disaster, you simply shouldn't vote for president at all.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is still going to vote for president because he hates America.

Tonight's Final Debate Drinking Game

by Lorraine Cink

Here are tonight's rules (enjoy your informed hangover tomorrow!):

Drink When You Hear:

“Bush”

“Bail out”
“Stock Market”
“evil”

someone speaks over their opponent
“my friends”
“fundamental”
“I’ll fight for you”
“raise taxes”
the name of any foreign country
“whip your you-know-what”
“Genocide”
“Change”
"Osama"

"track record"

"across the aisle"

Take a Shot if you hear:
"Bill Ayers"
"nailing Jell-o to the wall"
"ACORN"
Anyone mentions Obama/Osama ballot misprints
"Jeremiah Wright"
"that one"
“Yes we can!”
If a full on screaming match takes place-- take two shots and yell, "Take that bitch!"

Water Fall:
The whole time the moderator speaks! … Don’t worry, you can do it.

Good luck, America!

John McCain accused of 'palling around' with Sarah Palin.

by Michael Bouchard

In the past week laughable charges have come against Barack Obama by an ever-weakening Republican ticket. The charges claim Obama has or even had a close relationship with the Weather Underground's Bill Ayers. The Weather Underground being an organization that violently fought against government in the 1960's. Unsurprisingly, those allegations have been shown to be overwhelming false by any rational standard, the only connection having been that both served on an educational charity board in Chicago.

But in a head-spinning turnaround the Obama camp has accused McCain of 'palling around' with Sarah Palin. Palin being a recently unheard of anti-intellectual political figure who holds absurd anti-scientific views, and is a member of an extremist, fundamentalist church. Palin also not only has ties to, but is married to a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party. A treasonous group that despises America and wishes to secede from it. Palin is also a well known demagogue, and can be found lately stirring up hate mobs towards Obama that chant "treason", "terrorist" and one recorded instance of "off with his head" at her frequent speeches. Palin has yet to repudiate these chants when they occur.

The McCain campaign has issued a statement stating that "such accusations by the Obama campaign are exactly the kind of dirty politics that we repeatedly stated we wouldn't engage in at the start of our campaign". A spokesman who wished to remain anonymous also added later that Palin is a "looney-toons, political greenhorn that is the very antithesis of what McCain is and has been about: Experience, Reason and Character. The very suggestion that we would align ourselves with such a clearly inexperienced nutter is offensive."

But the Obama campaign didn't stop there. They quickly went after McCain's record of known associates in the Senate. Men, the Obama camp noted, that he worked with for many more years than Obama worked with Ayers. Senators such as Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond and Robert Byrd. While all were well known for their virulent racism, McCain not only worked with them, but joined the same party! Robert Byrd was a member of the terrorist organization Ku Klux Klan, Thurmond ran as a Dixiecrat in 1948 on a platform of segregation, and Helms' politically viewed African Americans as less than full Americans. Yet, McCain worked with these men much more closely that Obama ever worked with Ayers. Such racist influences also seem to make sense of the McCain campaigns sudden love of Obama's middle name "Hussein."

After we add the unstable character of Palin to this who's who of unhinged republicans, clearly by McCain's own standards and actions his character must be called into question and he must be charged as a "racist" immediately without further questioning or benefit of the doubt. McCain, as he gives no better, would surely expect no better. Tragically though, all McCain has run on is his character. This leaves him with nothing else to run on as he has clearly shown he doesn't wish to talk about any 'issues'. Sadly, this is a strong indicator that he is not only unfit to lead, but that his selfish attempt to do so reveals an unwillingness to put his country first.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is sad to see McCain forced by his own words to resign.

Tonight’s Second Presidential Debate Drinking Game

by Lorraine Cink

In honor of tonight's 2nd Presidential Debate, Mostly True News brings you a very special way to enjoy your political awareness: with drinking!!!

The Rules:

1. Start with a waterfall that begins as Tom Brokaw, moderator, explains the debate proceedings.

2. Every time John McCain mentions Sarah Palin take a drink (if he goes the whole debate without saying her name and is praying no one remembers that she’s his running mate, take a shot of tequila).

3. Take three drinks if McCain smiles with his mouth, but looks like he is going to kill someone with his eyes.

4. Waterfall every time Tom Brokaw says his or either candidate’s name.
 
5.  Take a drink whenever you see/hear:
-“Big Business”
-McCain’s rebuttal begins with anything about Obama’s inexperience

-"Trillion Dollars"
-Obama calls McCain “John”
-Whenever a candidate interrupts the other.
-“Wall Street/ Main Street”
-Anyone makes an awkward joke.

-Obama equates McCain to Bush.

-“Osama Bin Laden” (if you see Osama Bin Laden, start looking for a 3rd party candidate)

-“God” (if you see God, chug the rest of your beer).

6.  Take a shot if:
-anyone ever calls Obama “Osama” by mistake.
-John McCain looks Barack Obama directly in the eye when he speaks.
-If McCain says the word "maverick" you must take a shot and then stand-up and say, "Yeehaw, Mother Fucker!!!"

-If Obama makes any reference to McCain's age, take a shot and sing the chorus to Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young".

POST DEBATE:
Watch CNN’s Fact Check for an after party blow out!

You will need to take a shot for every wrong ‘fact’ from either candidate.   If your candidate’s opponent is wrong, after each shot you must stand-up, shake your ass and say “Awwwww, yeeeeeaaaaaah!  Booyakasha!”

--Lorraine would like you not to die of alcohol poisoning until after voting season.

Debate

By Michael Bouchard

I've watched both debates now and I'm getting a feel for how the strategy works when you're in a debate for the President. I want to pass this onto you, our readers, so that when you are up on stage running for the highest or second highest office in the land of the United States of America, making decisions for millions of Americans, you too can take advantage of these tactics.

1) Talk about the fact that you've been everywhere. No matter what your voting record is, even if you've voted against the betterment of any country, it won't matter if you ceaselessly repeat that you've shortly visited those places (protected by bodyguards).

2) Talk about things you did a long time ago. Because if you did something even arguably right 30 years ago, you can use that long ago, irrelevant decision and equate it to an everlasting correctness in whatever you're proposing now and will ever possibly in the future, no matter how inane your proposals actually are.

3) Wink. I just learned this. Apparently, people think you better understand any matter that effects millions of people and the rest of the world, when you wink at them.

4) Don't say anything. Talk a lot about things people will simply agree with. "We need to be good people" is a comment that no one will disagree with. Continue to hammer on things that are no-brainers and no one can say that you screwed up. Just hope that no one notices that you haven't actually said anything of substance.

5) Don't answer questions. FUCK QUESTIONS. Who needs them? All questions do are force you to answer what you're asked. And that is fascist. Instead, you should refuse to answer what you're asked and talk about whatever the hell it is you want to. Doing so shows that you're a "maverick" and that you won't be held down by things like "questions". You won't let the evil liberal media pin you down with "gotcha" lines like, "What newspapers or magazines do you read?"; an obvious ploy to get you to say something that your handlers haven't prepared you to say. (Questions are to be avoided even more when it is your very competency that is in question. Nothing will undermine your claim of being qualified more than giving answers that are filled with substance.)

6) Talk about your family. Anyone who has given birth(a very small number apparently), is qualified to lead or co-lead of the ‘free’ world.

7) Memorize things. No matter what happens, if you repeat what you've been told, people will be impressed. I know this for a fact. As an actor, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked: "How do you memorize all those lines?", I wouldn't be writing for a political comedy blog right now. I’d be taking a money bath.

8) Lower the expectations. If prior to your debate you repeatedly show that you lack the ability to think thoughts and then put those thoughts into words, it will be that much easier to defy expectations when it turns out that you do have that ability. Somewhat.

9) If all else fails, lean on the other people around you to say what a good job you did, regardless of what a bad job you did.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is winking at you right now.

Vice Presidential Debate Recap

by Lorraine Cink

Thursday night Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Joe Biden faced off in the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate.  Mostly True News would like to offer you the highlights of what you may have missed:

-Sarah Palin broke the ice by asking Joe Biden if she could call him 'Joe' as they shook hands.  Joe Biden cordially agreed.  

-The moderator asked questions of both candidates.  Sarah Palin, within the first three or so questions, said that she was not going to answer the questions the way you want. . . I just want to talk to the American people.  She then said, 'I have cards to read that John gave me... this is the only thing I am allowed to say .  Joe six pack.  Hockey moms.  Alaska-Alaska-Alaska . I'm a normal American just like you!'

-No one can remember anything Joe Biden said for the first 30 minutes as a strange desire to sleep for 90 second increments took hold of viewers.

-Palin misquoted information about the wars abroad.  Biden corrected her for which she chided him... proving you don't have to be right to look right.

-Biden held up a large sign that says 'McCain=Bush'.  Palin held up a sign saying 'Palin=Cheney' (insisting that the Vice President's power should be expanded within our current system).

-Sarah Palin hurled accusations that Barack Obama voted against funding to the troops abroad.  The SAME bill that McCain voted 'NO' on.  Biden reminded her of this several times, but she continued to admonish Obama for doing EXACTLY WHAT MCCAIN DID!  Do as McCain says, not as McCain Do's.

-Sarah Palin winked at the camera so much that the cameraman actually took his pants off.

-Near the debate's end, Biden became impassioned nearly to the point of tears talking about his sons' well-being (one of which is now serving overseas).  Palin rebutted saying, 'John McCain is a Maverick!'.  Seriously, WTF?  It was at that moment, it was revealed that Palin was actually replaced by a robot since her last Katie Couric interview.  

-After the finish of the debate, Joe Biden shook Sarah Palin's hand vigorously and went in for the goodnight kiss.  Palin panicked awkward releasing his death grip and ran to the moderator for a good old fashioned cock-block.  One of the members of her enormous brood stormed the stage and handed her her infant... proving that Palin is the annoying woman who brings her crying child out to your Saturday night movie.

Please take our poll at the top right of this page and let us know who you think won the debate!

--MTN will vomit if they hear the word folksy ever again.

More Links we like about the debate:
Fact Check on the Debate
See and/or Read it for Yourself
Analysis and Summary at CNN

Gratuitous Political Lexicon

In our continuing mission to expand the understanding and knowledge of our readers, MTN has put together a quick reference lexicon translating what the candidates actually mean when they speak. MTN has formatted this quick guide so that is is easily printable, framable, tattoo-able, and scar-right-into-your-flesh-with-a-straight-razor-able.

"Change"
Democrats Mean: Instituting new policies directing Washington away from old and ineffective ones.
Republicans Mean: McCain instead of Bush

"Choice"
Democrats Mean: The ability to freely pick between a number of alternatives.
Republicans Mean: The ability to freely pick between what we tell you to do and jail.

"Freedom"
Democrats Mean: The ability to do what you want.
Republicans Mean: A state of being that is only achieved during wartime under a Republican Executive and Congress.

"Elite"
Democrats Mean: Most qualified; Educated; Experienced.
Republicans Mean: Smarter than me.

"Arrogant"
Democrats Mean: To act superior without just casue.
Republicans Mean: To be aware of being smarter than me.

"Slick"
Democrats Mean: The ability to avoid bad press.
Republicans Mean: To be smarter and more capable than me.

"God Bless America"
Democrats Mean: ... not much ...
Republicans Mean: To request that the great omnipotent, American, Republican deity give favor to those others of like convictions.

"Issues"
Democrats Mean: The problems which concern the majority of American voters.
Republicans Mean: Republicans don't actually use this word.

"Character"
Democrats Mean: The quality and merit of ones combined actions, words, and intentions.
Republicans Mean: A trait that is always, by default, better than any democrats, regardless of facts; More important than "Issues"

"Sexist"
Democrats Mean: Comments that are meant to belittle ones sex.
Republicans Mean: Anyone who asks Sarah Palin questions.

Your Economy-Proof Career

by Lorraine Cink

So, you’re unemployed. Already 10% of Americans have nowhere to go at 9am… that’s nearly 1/10th the entire population. That’s a lot of daytime TV, people… more than 30 million potential Oprah watchers.

Let’s face it: the economy is shit. No, it’s not shit (shit has substance). The economy is shit water and it’s heading quickly down the drain. However, there are still work that will need to be done. MTN brings you some of the hottest jobs on the market in this changing economy.

A guide to Your Economy-Proof Career:

Town crier: Once everyone’s personal belongings are seized by the government for declaring bankruptcy, people will still need to get the news somehow. If your laptop hasn’t been repo’d yet, CONGRATS! Get out your bell and little tricorne hat; IT’S TIME FOR SOME LOUD-ASS MOSTLY TRUE NEWS.

Bush-ville Shanty Craftsman: Are you handy with cardboard? The soon epidemic of homeless people won’t be the normal hobo who talks to himself and smells like pee. These discerning buyers will want the best shack money can’t buy.

Suicide Clean-Up Crew: The majority of these jobs will be available in the downtown area of Manhattan. This depression guarantees to cause the most deaths on Wall Street since 9/11.

Governor of Alaska: It seems like there might be an opening soon. Little to no experience or mental capacity required. Nice ass preferred. No more shoveling fries for you Corky.

Money Printer at US Treasury: Why be poor when you can print more? The US Mint is going to be firing the presses like it’s a daily paper. Bye bye dollar value, hello green!

Back Alley Abortionist: People can’t pay for the first two they popped out in the Clinton years. Are you good with a coat hanger?

Soldier: As the country with the biggest mouth, I can assure you we will jump in every war we can get our nose in. If we can’t join yours, we’ll make our own… watch out Canada!

Happy Job Hunting!

--Lorraine doesn't hate you because you're poor. It's just her way.

Economic Meltdown

You may have noticed sporadic positing lately. Well we here at MTN regret to inform you that the recent economic meltdown has effected us as well. (Save yourselves before it's too late! We suggest putting money in shoeboxes and investing in gold, silver and random body parts that could be sold on the black market.) In service to the general public, so that you are capable of looking out for you and yours, we have put together this handy checklist of indicators of whether the economic crisis will effect you. Odds are you will be effected if:

1)You were poor to being with. Chances are you're screwed now.
2) You're a minority. Refer to #1.
3)You're a liberal Caucasian. Refer to #2.
4) There are no more categories.

If by chance you don't fall into any of these categories, please feel free to donate to MTN at your convenience.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is willing to sell, for a reasonable price, many good recipes for Top Ramen.

Financial Downfall in the US

You may have noticed sporadic positing lately. Well we here at MTN regret to inform you that the recent economic meltdown has affected us as well. (Save yourselves before it's too late! We suggest putting money in shoeboxes and investing in gold, silver and random body parts that could be sold on the black market.) In service to the general public, so that you are capable of looking out for you and yours, we have put together this handy checklist of indicators of whether the economic crisis will affect you. Odds are you will be affected if:

1) You were poor to being with. Chances are you're screwed now.
2) You're a minority. Refer to #1.
3) You’re a liberal Caucasian. Refer to #2.
4) There are no more categories.

If by chance you don't fall into any of these categories, please feel free to donate to MTN at your convenience.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is willing to sell, for a reasonable price, many good recipes for Top Ramen.

The Liberal Media

As a young, college educated, multi-ethnic, progressive, ACLU supporting, militantly atheist, baby eating, reality based liberal blogger; I get asked a few questions. As for the answer to most frequently asked question: no I'm not jewish (but I do save the blood of christian babies as I'm told by infallible sources that jews use it in rituals.)

To answer the second most popular question: Babies taste best when cooked with the hearts of adorable kittens wrapped in pages of the bible, grilled over a bed of difficult questions... gives it that liberal flavor.

But lets get to the nitty gritty here: to my mind, the most important question is rarely being asked. That being: "Is the media liberal enough?" To which I heartily answer "NO." And more than that, the present Liberal element that does exist isn't Liberal enough either.

I know this is a shocking statement to make. We hear all the time about how the Liberal media is treating our leaders badly by asking them questions, (and even having the gall to expect answers!) but it should be a clear tip-off to anyone who's functional eyes and ears are not tightly lodged in their anus. This isn't the message we'd hear all the time, if we were immersed in a Liberal media. There are a few other things we'd expect to if we were dominated by such a media that we don't currently.

First off: answers. We don't get those, do we? It's even gotten so bad that our "Liberal media" can't even manage to ask questions to the republican V.P. candidate. And call me "reality based", but I have a hard time believing that you're going to get any answers without those terribly progressive things called "questions".

Next up: Criticism. Apparently, this vicious "Liberal media" can't even get away with pointing out the obvious fact that the Republican V.P. Candidate is not qualified for the position without being labeled as a "sexist". If someone points out that the Republican Presidential Candidate is bold-faced lying, the Candidate is usually accused of engaging in "dirty" politics. Ask about something on the, laughably termed, "100 percent provable" side of things, and you're scorned as part of the "reality based community."

Lastly: Reality. We obviously have none of that in our media as of present. If we did we would expect to see a few indicators of the publics attention to it. As of this posting, the Presidential race is in a statistical dead heat. This fact is set beside the equally dreary truth that our country is being run by a President with the lowest approval rating of all time. Moreover, his would-be successor is proposing policies that are for all intents and purposes exactly the same. And yet, we are in a statistical dead heat? So, either the ‘Liberal media’ is totally ineffective and useless at convincing people of its message, or there is, instead, a "Conservative media", that can convince half the country which hates certain policies, that these policies are actually exactly what they want.

So, I'll conclude this commentary with three other observations (I choose three observations because "three is comedy" and in such situations as these, if you don't laugh, you'll kill someone):

One is, a "well duh" inducing statement: there is no "Liberal media", that you hear mythical stories about from Conservatives. Two, there is instead a Conservative media, and that is why you only hear about a “Liberal media”. And three, in order to deal with this simple logic, Liberals need to grow some balls and stop taking shit and acting like political sissies. If they won't use HIllary's balls, then they can borrow mine.

-Michael Bouchard has balls the size of California. Screw Texas.

Ahhh FREAK OUT!

Ahhh. . . FREAK OUT!!!

Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.

The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.

The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.

In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.

After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.

Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.

Now get out there and start canvasing!

-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)

The Hottest News Headlines

by Lorraine Cink

DIRTY POLITICS.   Karl Rove, Bush’s former head of Political Affairs and general Republican head for the Dark Side of the Force called out Sen. John McCain for going too far in his political attack ads "and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the '100 percent truth' test."   With McCain and Palin running the most dirty, lying campaign in media-noted political history, we are shocked that even Karl Rove has grown a conscious!  When McCain was confronted on the hard-hitting news program The View about his untruthful campaign ads, he asserted "actually they are not lies." He then attempted to cover his ass by claiming his "lipstick on a pig" remark was different from Obama’s because he was talking about Hillary Clinton.  Nice.

DOLLA DOLLA BILL YA'LL. Obama made a new Campaign fund raising record, hitting $66 million in August. Even recession oppressed artists, single mothers, minorities and college kids will shell out cash to be free from the Republican administration, proving you can get blood from a stone. Despite this monetary bump, Obama's refusal to take tax payer dollars for his campaign, leaves him nearly half the funds of the Republicans. (McCain, however felt perfectly fine about taking $84.1 million in federal funds.) Now our personal Clark Kent is nearly $100 million behind McCain... to donate click here---> Cough up some cash for Obama (aka NOT McCain/Palin) PLEASE GOD.

OPRAH, arguably the most influential woman in America, has reportedly refused to have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election.  The Florida Federation of Republican Women has imposed a national boycott encouraging members to stop watching Oprah and cancel O Magazine memberships (despite the fact that Democratic candidate, Joe Biden, has NOT been invited to appear on the show either). The boycott on ‘O’prah however has not affected sales. In fact ratings are up, only proving once again ‘bros before hoes’.

STORM WATCH. Millions of people in Texas are without power, and thousands have no clean drinking water from hurricane Ike - this isn’t actually funny - unless you consider it karmic recompense for giving the world George W. Bush.

STOCK MARKET TROUBLES. The stock market is in a tizzy. Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy, while Bank of America plans to buy Merrill Lynch.  We don’t like to get too apocalyptic around MTN, but Bush-ville shanty days might be a-comin’. Just remember It’s A Wonderful Life: if everyone pulls their money out of the market now, Mr. Potter is going to collapse the whole bank... Mr. Potter being China.

THE F-BOMBS. The federal government is taking over big, fat mortgage companies: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, putting the government in $5 trillion of more debt… and you didn’t think being more broke was possible.

BIDEN ON THE OFFENSIVE.  Nice guy, Sen. Joe Biden, is scheduled to go on the attack Monday against Sen. John McCain.  Biden plans to make a completely new and original, never before heard argument… McCain ‘won’t bring change to Washington’.  Way to get creative Joe.

SNL GENIUS.  Tina Fey spot-fucking-on appearance as Gov. Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live this weekend gave comedians everywhere hope that SNL doesn’t have to suck.  The only conceivable upside to a McCain-Palin victory in November is the next four years of comedy fodder … perhaps it's not worth the collapse of our nation though...



IN MORE TRIVIAL NEWS: Apple (the crack dealer of the technological world) has released the new iPod Nano. This candy colored array of mp3 players allows you to play games by just moving your hand ala Wii and to shuffle music by literally shaking your iPod up and down. This coupled with new music playing software that mixes sweet-ass playlists for you and the addition of the iPod version of the evolutionary game, Spore, tech geeks everywhere are sure to look like turrets patients on their subway commutes.

-Lorraine blogs because she cares.