Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Your Economy-Proof Career

by Lorraine Cink

So, you’re unemployed. Already 10% of Americans have nowhere to go at 9am… that’s nearly 1/10th the entire population. That’s a lot of daytime TV, people… more than 30 million potential Oprah watchers.

Let’s face it: the economy is shit. No, it’s not shit (shit has substance). The economy is shit water and it’s heading quickly down the drain. However, there are still work that will need to be done. MTN brings you some of the hottest jobs on the market in this changing economy.

A guide to Your Economy-Proof Career:

Town crier: Once everyone’s personal belongings are seized by the government for declaring bankruptcy, people will still need to get the news somehow. If your laptop hasn’t been repo’d yet, CONGRATS! Get out your bell and little tricorne hat; IT’S TIME FOR SOME LOUD-ASS MOSTLY TRUE NEWS.

Bush-ville Shanty Craftsman: Are you handy with cardboard? The soon epidemic of homeless people won’t be the normal hobo who talks to himself and smells like pee. These discerning buyers will want the best shack money can’t buy.

Suicide Clean-Up Crew: The majority of these jobs will be available in the downtown area of Manhattan. This depression guarantees to cause the most deaths on Wall Street since 9/11.

Governor of Alaska: It seems like there might be an opening soon. Little to no experience or mental capacity required. Nice ass preferred. No more shoveling fries for you Corky.

Money Printer at US Treasury: Why be poor when you can print more? The US Mint is going to be firing the presses like it’s a daily paper. Bye bye dollar value, hello green!

Back Alley Abortionist: People can’t pay for the first two they popped out in the Clinton years. Are you good with a coat hanger?

Soldier: As the country with the biggest mouth, I can assure you we will jump in every war we can get our nose in. If we can’t join yours, we’ll make our own… watch out Canada!

Happy Job Hunting!

--Lorraine doesn't hate you because you're poor. It's just her way.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is great!

But I think you forgot the entertainment industry.

I read in Vanity Fair that Disney is casting extras for Beverly Hills Chihuahua II.

No matter how tough it gets out there, some things are still essential Lorraine.

Love, Todd