Thursday, October 2, 2008

Vice Presidential Debate Recap

by Lorraine Cink

Thursday night Governor Sarah Palin and Senator Joe Biden faced off in the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate.  Mostly True News would like to offer you the highlights of what you may have missed:

-Sarah Palin broke the ice by asking Joe Biden if she could call him 'Joe' as they shook hands.  Joe Biden cordially agreed.  

-The moderator asked questions of both candidates.  Sarah Palin, within the first three or so questions, said that she was not going to answer the questions the way you want. . . I just want to talk to the American people.  She then said, 'I have cards to read that John gave me... this is the only thing I am allowed to say .  Joe six pack.  Hockey moms.  Alaska-Alaska-Alaska . I'm a normal American just like you!'

-No one can remember anything Joe Biden said for the first 30 minutes as a strange desire to sleep for 90 second increments took hold of viewers.

-Palin misquoted information about the wars abroad.  Biden corrected her for which she chided him... proving you don't have to be right to look right.

-Biden held up a large sign that says 'McCain=Bush'.  Palin held up a sign saying 'Palin=Cheney' (insisting that the Vice President's power should be expanded within our current system).

-Sarah Palin hurled accusations that Barack Obama voted against funding to the troops abroad.  The SAME bill that McCain voted 'NO' on.  Biden reminded her of this several times, but she continued to admonish Obama for doing EXACTLY WHAT MCCAIN DID!  Do as McCain says, not as McCain Do's.

-Sarah Palin winked at the camera so much that the cameraman actually took his pants off.

-Near the debate's end, Biden became impassioned nearly to the point of tears talking about his sons' well-being (one of which is now serving overseas).  Palin rebutted saying, 'John McCain is a Maverick!'.  Seriously, WTF?  It was at that moment, it was revealed that Palin was actually replaced by a robot since her last Katie Couric interview.  

-After the finish of the debate, Joe Biden shook Sarah Palin's hand vigorously and went in for the goodnight kiss.  Palin panicked awkward releasing his death grip and ran to the moderator for a good old fashioned cock-block.  One of the members of her enormous brood stormed the stage and handed her her infant... proving that Palin is the annoying woman who brings her crying child out to your Saturday night movie.

Please take our poll at the top right of this page and let us know who you think won the debate!

--MTN will vomit if they hear the word folksy ever again.

Gratuitous Political Lexicon

In our continuing mission to expand the understanding and knowledge of our readers, MTN has put together a quick reference lexicon translating what the candidates actually mean when they speak. MTN has formatted this quick guide so that is is easily printable, framable, tattoo-able, and scar-right-into-your-flesh-with-a-straight-razor-able.

Democrats Mean: Instituting new policies directing Washington away from old and ineffective ones.
Republicans Mean: McCain instead of Bush

Democrats Mean: The ability to freely pick between a number of alternatives.
Republicans Mean: The ability to freely pick between what we tell you to do and jail.

Democrats Mean: The ability to do what you want.
Republicans Mean: A state of being that is only achieved during wartime under a Republican Executive and Congress.

Democrats Mean: Most qualified; Educated; Experienced.
Republicans Mean: Smarter than me.

Democrats Mean: To act superior without just casue.
Republicans Mean: To be aware of being smarter than me.

Democrats Mean: The ability to avoid bad press.
Republicans Mean: To be smarter and more capable than me.

"God Bless America"
Democrats Mean: ... not much ...
Republicans Mean: To request that the great omnipotent, American, Republican deity give favor to those others of like convictions.

Democrats Mean: The problems which concern the majority of American voters.
Republicans Mean: Republicans don't actually use this word.

Democrats Mean: The quality and merit of ones combined actions, words, and intentions.
Republicans Mean: A trait that is always, by default, better than any democrats, regardless of facts; More important than "Issues"

Democrats Mean: Comments that are meant to belittle ones sex.
Republicans Mean: Anyone who asks Sarah Palin questions.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Your Economy-Proof Career

by Lorraine Cink

So, you’re unemployed. Already 10% of Americans have nowhere to go at 9am… that’s nearly 1/10th the entire population. That’s a lot of daytime TV, people… more than 30 million potential Oprah watchers.

Let’s face it: the economy is shit. No, it’s not shit (shit has substance). The economy is shit water and it’s heading quickly down the drain. However, there are still work that will need to be done. MTN brings you some of the hottest jobs on the market in this changing economy.

A guide to Your Economy-Proof Career:

Town crier: Once everyone’s personal belongings are seized by the government for declaring bankruptcy, people will still need to get the news somehow. If your laptop hasn’t been repo’d yet, CONGRATS! Get out your bell and little tricorne hat; IT’S TIME FOR SOME LOUD-ASS MOSTLY TRUE NEWS.

Bush-ville Shanty Craftsman: Are you handy with cardboard? The soon epidemic of homeless people won’t be the normal hobo who talks to himself and smells like pee. These discerning buyers will want the best shack money can’t buy.

Suicide Clean-Up Crew: The majority of these jobs will be available in the downtown area of Manhattan. This depression guarantees to cause the most deaths on Wall Street since 9/11.

Governor of Alaska: It seems like there might be an opening soon. Little to no experience or mental capacity required. Nice ass preferred. No more shoveling fries for you Corky.

Money Printer at US Treasury: Why be poor when you can print more? The US Mint is going to be firing the presses like it’s a daily paper. Bye bye dollar value, hello green!

Back Alley Abortionist: People can’t pay for the first two they popped out in the Clinton years. Are you good with a coat hanger?

Soldier: As the country with the biggest mouth, I can assure you we will jump in every war we can get our nose in. If we can’t join yours, we’ll make our own… watch out Canada!

Happy Job Hunting!

--Lorraine doesn't hate you because you're poor. It's just her way.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Economic Meltdown

You may have noticed sporadic positing lately. Well we here at MTN regret to inform you that the recent economic meltdown has effected us as well. (Save yourselves before it's too late! We suggest putting money in shoeboxes and investing in gold, silver and random body parts that could be sold on the black market.) In service to the general public, so that you are capable of looking out for you and yours, we have put together this handy checklist of indicators of whether the economic crisis will effect you. Odds are you will be effected if:

1)You were poor to being with. Chances are you're screwed now.
2) You're a minority. Refer to #1.
3)You're a liberal Caucasian. Refer to #2.
4) There are no more categories.

If by chance you don't fall into any of these categories, please feel free to donate to MTN at your convenience.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is willing to sell, for a reasonable price, many good recipes for Top Ramen.