Friday, September 12, 2008

John McCain's Press Conference Shadowed By Palin?

by Michael Bouchard
In the wake of Sarah Palin's totally botched first interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson Read More Here, John McCain made a renewed attempt to remind the American Public who is actually running for President and to take himself out of the thin, shallow, and very inexperienced shadow of his running mate. To do so, he held a recent press conference and reissued a list of campaign stances that he intends to implement if he is elected President. This is a transcript of the statement he made to the press.

"Hello, and welcome. I am John McCain. Remember me? I’m running for leader of the free world? Good. Now lets get to it. Our country has a few challenges that face it. Challenges I have answers for. I am told our Economy is in recession. I'm also told that people are having trouble keeping their sole, single home. I can only guess the pain this causes most Americans. We are also at war…with a few countries. Maybe more. I'll have to ask Karl about that. I'm also led to believe there are other things to fix.

The important fact to remember when going over the problems I'm told about, are my qualifications for leading the free world out of these problems. Namely, I was in a P.O.W. camp. There were some spectacular government classes there, and being locked up in a room without human contact really enabled me to learn economics, legislation, and the ins and outs of running a representative republican democracy, as opposed to leading an autonomous collective or a representative monarchy. I also learned a lot about how to treat your constituents, and possible voters.

Also, I have character. Remember that, because I talk about my character more often, it is to be understood that Obama doesn't have one. I think that's something a lot of you Press people miss when you're talking about me talking about my character. While my character may not be good at simple math, it is good at deciding on policies that effect each and everyone of us, as long as they don't involve numbers higher than 7. So, when I see poor people facing real, dire challenges, if elected, I will be able to look them in the eye, and solemnly state 'I bet Obama wouldn't know what to do right now.'

Which brings me to my energy policy. Have you seen Obama? Isn't he scary? I'm scared of the guy. Aren’t you? His name alone sends me into a panic. Baraaaaak Oooobaaaamaaaa. Creepy isn't it? I have goose bumps. Go ahead; feel them… they're the ones smaller than the melanoma. By the way, have you seen Sarah’s glasses? They’re great, right?

It is that fact about Obama's intimidating 'nature', which leads me to my policy on the wars that are in other places. Did you know Obama's middle name is Hussein? Do you want a guy leading a war against terrorists with a name similar to one of them? As the candidate for the party of common sense and 1950's values, not only does Obama not make sense to me, a fact that I think is common within my party, but also people with names like that weren't even here in the 1950's! Hello!

As for the poor and underprivileged; I dedicate myself to their enrichment. Every poor person will receive a letter, signed by my assistants computer (because I don’t know how to use mine), reminding them that Obama would just be organizing things and setting up job training for them right now. And Karl tells me that that isn't a viable path for a candidate. So fuck that guy!

Lastly, I want to remind you all, the press corps, that I, John McCain, am nothing like Barak Obama, in basically every possible way. And you can quote me on that.

Thanks for coming and remember vote for Sarah."

Thursday, September 11, 2008

MTN honors those who gave their lives on 911.

Pastor Gate

by Michael Bouchard

As Rev. Wright did with Obama, and John Hagee did with McCain, so too Sarah Palin's Pastor, Larry Kroon (pictured left), is becoming an issue. Here are some of the statements recently made by Larry Kroon that are making waves, causing stirs, and getting large numbers of panties in bunches.

In a recent sermon, Kroon has claimed that the savior of the world is actually a Jewish zombie, born in what is modern day Iraq. In that same sermon he claimed that Jesus requested his followers to "Eat me".

In a written statement Larry Kroon has stated that Jews are wrong, Catholics are wrong, Hindus are wrong, Mormons are wrong, Baptists are wrong, Methodists are wrong, Lutherans are wrong, Jehovah's Witnesses are wrong, 7th Day Adventists are wrong, and that Muslims are a loving people, peace be upon them.

A disgruntled former follower revealed that the 'All life is sacred" warrantee only good until birth.  Also, in a private conversation with a hired hooker, Kroon confided that God created a perfect heaven where there is only happiness and none are condemned, and also created Earth where most will be consumed for eternity by unquenchable fire, gnashing of teeth and the species of worm that never 'dieth'. He chose to place you on earth.

In a new circulating YouTube video Kroon is found stating that the claim to hate the sin and love the sinner is actually void for homosexuals, abortionists, liberals, and all contrary religions. Offer is only good is select states: AK, TX.

-Michael Bouchard is a godless heathen. Larry Kroon loves/hates him.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Further Vetting of Sarah Palin

by Michael Bouchard

As the vetting process of Sarah Palin continues, more and more facts about her have emerged. Mostly True News is providing you with the most up-to-date facts and several MTN exclusives!

An ex-boyfriend from highschool recently revealed that she actually is a pitbull in lipstick. This in turn highlights the major difference between her and Bush: Lipstick.  An aide to Palin told Oprah what she colors her lips with: the blood of polar bear cubs.

Palin's main political advisor on Tuesday told Wolf Blitzer that by being even closer to Eskimos than Russians, she has not only gained experience with them through osmosis, she has even learned the language. The advisor also commented on the fact that, while Palin personally scorns Community Organizing, she will allow communities to attempt to organize through prayer.

Palin's longtime gynecologist recently told Field and Stream magazine that Palin can kill a Moose from 500 yards with nothing other than her overworked and slightly defective ovaries.

Her former cook explains to MTN, that in order to endear herself to Texans, she actually does drink oil at tea-time.

In her mothers memoirs, she states that Palin's talent portion as a beauty pageant contestant was her ability to keep all knowledge of contraception from passing to teenagers. Her mother also tells a story about how every Halloween that little Sarah ever celebrated, she dressed up as a Sexy Librarian. This fact has caused quite a stir, as it is common knowledge that Palin hates Librarians and strongly dislikes the literate.

In addition, MTN has exclusive knowledge that at Palin's high school, the little known "Most Likely to Denigrate a National Election with Petty Identity Politics" superlative was won by her vagina.

The McCain campaign on Friday released two 'rock fucking solid' campaign promises from Governor Sarah Palin. First, is that if elected she promises to fire every cook everywhere and do all the countries cooking herself. (Out of work cooks will be re-employed cleaning up ash from burnt books.) Her second promise is that, if elected, she will have everyone fired who voted against her.

-Michael Bouchard is safe because he's freelance.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

RIP 1st Amendment

by Lorraine Cink

Yesterday was a sad day not only for informed liberals everywhere, but for anyone who cares about our first amendment rights. After GOP pressure, MSNBC has demoted two fine anchors: Keith Oblermann and Chris Matthews for their out spoken political commentary and criticism of the far right. The two men have been replaced by, liberal journalist and Presidential kiss-up, David "Stretch" Gregory on their former political news program and will now instead both serve as commentators. In a final hoorah, I would like to dedicate the following clip to those on the far right. Bill O'Reilly eat your heart out!

Keith and Chris... if you're out there, you'll always be welcome at Mostly True News... but we can't pay you.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Weekend Election Review

by Michael Bouchard

As the Democratic and Republican conventions have both come to an end there has been endless media speculation over the 'bumps' that each convention and more importantly, each candidate, gave their respective parties. Here is a short summary of the leading polls and papers on the bumps of late.

The "Palin Bump' is reported to be having the greatest effect on pregnant teenagers.

The "McCain Bump" is scheduled to be removed saturday by his physician

A group of white supremacists are taking responsibility for the coming "Obama's bump" (off).

The "Biden Bump" is actually Joe Biden hiding from the press under a sheet.