Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dick Cheney Uses the Pot-Kettle-Black Defense

No longer needing to hide behind the face of G.W. Bush, Dick Cheney has recently come out of his bunker to do a flurry of interviews critical of the current president and democrats in general. Here are a few highlights.

In reference to Obama he has been quoted as saying, "I want the country to be less safe now that Obama is in office. Therefore, I hope a terrorist attack, like the one that happened when I was in office, could now happen. If thousands of people could die that would make republicans feel a lot better about their ideals."

In reference to torture he has been quoted as saying "Did you hear that Nancy Pelosi actually knew about the waterboarding that I suggested? We should totally ream her for the fact that she couldn't stop me." He added, "Isn't it hilarious that I'm totally free from punishment on this, but I can still nail someone who was powerless to stop me while I was doing it? Goddamn, I love being a republican."

Cheney has also been quoted in support of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh, while holding a standing hatred of not simply gays and women, but gay women in particular, conceded on the topic 8 years ago: "excepting those homo-dykes related to powerful republicans." Cheney is reported to have attempted to tear up at the quote, but the attempt proved unsuccessful.

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD marvels at how Cheney has adapted so quickly to sunlight.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


The spell check rejected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has come up with a plan to ease the plight of homosexuals in the wake of legislative moves against them in past months. 

The governor was recently quoted as saying "Look, shits been fucked up since Prop 8, right? The least I can do is legalize ya ten sack." The move has met with opposition though. Complains have been made that the measure is in a conflict of interests with one of it's main funders, Funyuns: Onion Flavored Rings. Critics claim that the company is simply looking to increase it's main consumer base, stoned people, and doesn't care at all about the plight of homosexuals. 

The company responded to these criticisms in a statement saying "Funyuns has always supported the right to have butt sex and is moved more by the cause of supporting girl-on-girl action than it is moved by the almost certain monumental profits we would see if people en masse could get high and devour our product like they were snorting coke off a hookers ass. Or what ever analogy suits you, you get what I mean." A spokesman for the governor said he is planning a long tour of Amsterdam in order to research the issue and that the governor believes his critics are "a bunch a snivling bitches just lookin to keep the homo-man down." 

The governors spokesman also added a word of caution to gays who might take this as a sign that discrimination against them is lessening: "We've got elections looming, so we do expect to fuck [the gays] over a few more times." He then added, "God bless America, support the troops and all that bullshit. Goodnight."

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is going to the bar now to meet with the historical anti-prohibition research subcommittee. 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Palin to Teens

BRISTOL PALIN TO TEENS: "Don't do what I did. Do what I did."

Bristol Palin was on a publicity tour recently, supporting abstinence, and you can almost hear the collective "YES!" from Planned Parenthood centers across the country. I can't express my shock at the audacity of such a move beyond a very high pitched "REALLY?!" Bristol Palin promoting abstinence is like the Rush Limbaugh promoting a life without painkillers. It's like Jenny McCarthy promoting safe pediatrics. It's like Oprah promoting a reality-based worldview. Or maybe it's like a single, unmarried, teenage mother who practiced abstinence as the the only form of birth control, instructing other teens that practicing abstinence as their only form of birth control will keep them from becoming a single, unmarried, teenage mother. 

I mean really, what's next? Sarah Palin going on tour about how to win elections and create bi-partisansip? 

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is beginning to think that the Palins really DO live in Opposite Land. 

VIDEO LINK FOR "Publicity Tour"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

You Missed Us

We missed you too!  Don't worry will  be back and in full affect in May 2009.  

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