Ahhh FREAK OUT!

Ahhh. . . FREAK OUT!!!

Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.

The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.

The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.

In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.

After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.

Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.

Now get out there and start canvasing!

-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)

The Hottest News Headlines

by Lorraine Cink

DIRTY POLITICS.   Karl Rove, Bush’s former head of Political Affairs and general Republican head for the Dark Side of the Force called out Sen. John McCain for going too far in his political attack ads "and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the '100 percent truth' test."   With McCain and Palin running the most dirty, lying campaign in media-noted political history, we are shocked that even Karl Rove has grown a conscious!  When McCain was confronted on the hard-hitting news program The View about his untruthful campaign ads, he asserted "actually they are not lies." He then attempted to cover his ass by claiming his "lipstick on a pig" remark was different from Obama’s because he was talking about Hillary Clinton.  Nice.

DOLLA DOLLA BILL YA'LL. Obama made a new Campaign fund raising record, hitting $66 million in August. Even recession oppressed artists, single mothers, minorities and college kids will shell out cash to be free from the Republican administration, proving you can get blood from a stone. Despite this monetary bump, Obama's refusal to take tax payer dollars for his campaign, leaves him nearly half the funds of the Republicans. (McCain, however felt perfectly fine about taking $84.1 million in federal funds.) Now our personal Clark Kent is nearly $100 million behind McCain... to donate click here---> Cough up some cash for Obama (aka NOT McCain/Palin) PLEASE GOD.

OPRAH, arguably the most influential woman in America, has reportedly refused to have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election.  The Florida Federation of Republican Women has imposed a national boycott encouraging members to stop watching Oprah and cancel O Magazine memberships (despite the fact that Democratic candidate, Joe Biden, has NOT been invited to appear on the show either). The boycott on ‘O’prah however has not affected sales. In fact ratings are up, only proving once again ‘bros before hoes’.

STORM WATCH. Millions of people in Texas are without power, and thousands have no clean drinking water from hurricane Ike - this isn’t actually funny - unless you consider it karmic recompense for giving the world George W. Bush.

STOCK MARKET TROUBLES. The stock market is in a tizzy. Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy, while Bank of America plans to buy Merrill Lynch.  We don’t like to get too apocalyptic around MTN, but Bush-ville shanty days might be a-comin’. Just remember It’s A Wonderful Life: if everyone pulls their money out of the market now, Mr. Potter is going to collapse the whole bank... Mr. Potter being China.

THE F-BOMBS. The federal government is taking over big, fat mortgage companies: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, putting the government in $5 trillion of more debt… and you didn’t think being more broke was possible.

BIDEN ON THE OFFENSIVE.  Nice guy, Sen. Joe Biden, is scheduled to go on the attack Monday against Sen. John McCain.  Biden plans to make a completely new and original, never before heard argument… McCain ‘won’t bring change to Washington’.  Way to get creative Joe.

SNL GENIUS.  Tina Fey spot-fucking-on appearance as Gov. Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live this weekend gave comedians everywhere hope that SNL doesn’t have to suck.  The only conceivable upside to a McCain-Palin victory in November is the next four years of comedy fodder … perhaps it's not worth the collapse of our nation though...



IN MORE TRIVIAL NEWS: Apple (the crack dealer of the technological world) has released the new iPod Nano. This candy colored array of mp3 players allows you to play games by just moving your hand ala Wii and to shuffle music by literally shaking your iPod up and down. This coupled with new music playing software that mixes sweet-ass playlists for you and the addition of the iPod version of the evolutionary game, Spore, tech geeks everywhere are sure to look like turrets patients on their subway commutes.

-Lorraine blogs because she cares.

Political Fashion

by Michael Bouchard

You may not have noticed it, but politicians have a very strict dress code and a lot can be told about a candidate simply by judgmentally commenting on what they are wearing. In another of MTN's voter education series, this week we take a look at what certain clothes mean and how that will help you decide if the person wearing them is really ready to be leader of free world, your local mayor, your boss, or even a parent.


FLAG PINS
Lets get this right out in the open here. Flag Pins are the must have accessory for any political contender. While the number of flag pins denotes the level of patriotism a person has, politicians only tend to wear one in a mock display of humility. So it's one or nothing. Scratch that. It's just one. To not wear a flag pin is to indicate that you don't give a damn about your country and you're only running for office for the free coffee. Let it be known Alec Baldwin is the most patriotic man on the planet.


RED TIES. BLUE TIES.
A politician’s wardrobe is full of only two colors of tie. Red and Blue. It is common practice to wear the color tie of the opposing political party. This is to show that while you will never agree with their policies, and you think that they would screw the country were they to be elected, and that for holding such dangerous ideas you may view the person as morally bereft, you are not above showing them that you can wear a tie that has its color in common with their party. Also, it should be stated that this is only needed when you appear on T.V., or during debates. On the other hand while in the company of those of your fellow party, un-televised, you are free to wear the color tie that corresponds to the party that knows what it's doing: Yours. An important reminder: only red and blue ties are allowed. Green ties represent the Green party which is full of hippies, purple ties represent the homosexual lobby which is obviously untouchable, with pink ties being more specifically lesbian. Why this is bad, does not even need to be explained to a politician. Brown ties are simply ugly and yellow and orange ties make you look like a clown. White ties are also forbidden as they are related to white supremacists, which certain politicians can't acknowledge in public. This leaves black ties, which obviously relate to the Black Panther party. Though, if on the off chance that you are at a "Black Tie Dinner" then tactically supporting the Black Panthers is ok, because everyone else is doing it.



HATS

Politicians don't wear them because they look like idiots when they do. Plain and simple. The same fact holds for all other costume items, like flight suits.

PANTS
Skirts do not exist in politics. Not because skirts are worn by women. That would be terribly sexist. It's because skirts aren’t worn by men. As well it is known, important political decisions have been made by men. If women wish to empower themselves while they are putting 18 million cracks in someone's ceiling, they must dress like men in order to do so. Ironically, the one candidate who has so far donned skirts (to this blogger knowledge) is the very one looking to take away women's rights altogether. In fact, I hardly doubt that if women's suffrage could be repealed tomorrow, Sarah Palin would campaign in a bikini.

LIVESTRONG BRACELETS
Nothing says that you're in tune with modern mass marketed mindless conformity better than a band of yellow rubber. These bracelets show that the politician, who is just like you, also supports a charity they really know nothing about, headed by an athlete who's sport they've never watched, which takes place in a country they're not allowed to admit liking. Herd mentality, apathy, and feigned animosity are all traits, however, that are encouraged in our representatives because they are exhibited by the public. Truly, it is democracy in action.
-Michael Bouchard campaigns in camouflage and plaid.