Monday, September 15, 2008

The Hottest News Headlines

by Lorraine Cink

.   Karl Rove, Bush’s former head of Political Affairs and general Republican head for the Dark Side of the Force called out Sen. John McCain for going too far in his political attack ads "and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the '100 percent truth' test."   With McCain and Palin running the most dirty, lying campaign in media-noted political history, we are shocked that even Karl Rove has grown a conscious!  When McCain was confronted on the hard-hitting news program The View about his untruthful campaign ads, he asserted "actually they are not lies." He then attempted to cover his ass by claiming his "lipstick on a pig" remark was different from Obama’s because he was talking about Hillary Clinton.  Nice.

DOLLA DOLLA BILL YA'LL. Obama made a new Campaign fund raising record, hitting $66 million in August. Even recession oppressed artists, single mothers, minorities and college kids will shell out cash to be free from the Republican administration, proving you can get blood from a stone. Despite this monetary bump, Obama's refusal to take tax payer dollars for his campaign, leaves him nearly half the funds of the Republicans. (McCain, however felt perfectly fine about taking $84.1 million in federal funds.) Now our personal Clark Kent is nearly $100 million behind McCain... to donate click here---> Cough up some cash for Obama (aka NOT McCain/Palin) PLEASE GOD.

OPRAH, arguably the most influential woman in America, has reportedly refused to have Sarah Palin on her show until after the election.  The Florida Federation of Republican Women has imposed a national boycott encouraging members to stop watching Oprah and cancel O Magazine memberships (despite the fact that Democratic candidate, Joe Biden, has NOT been invited to appear on the show either). The boycott on ‘O’prah however has not affected sales. In fact ratings are up, only proving once again ‘bros before hoes’.

STORM WATCH. Millions of people in Texas are without power, and thousands have no clean drinking water from hurricane Ike - this isn’t actually funny - unless you consider it karmic recompense for giving the world George W. Bush.

STOCK MARKET TROUBLES. The stock market is in a tizzy. Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy, while Bank of America plans to buy Merrill Lynch.  We don’t like to get too apocalyptic around MTN, but Bush-ville shanty days might be a-comin’. Just remember It’s A Wonderful Life: if everyone pulls their money out of the market now, Mr. Potter is going to collapse the whole bank... Mr. Potter being China.

THE F-BOMBS. The federal government is taking over big, fat mortgage companies: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, putting the government in $5 trillion of more debt… and you didn’t think being more broke was possible.

BIDEN ON THE OFFENSIVE.  Nice guy, Sen. Joe Biden, is scheduled to go on the attack Monday against Sen. John McCain.  Biden plans to make a completely new and original, never before heard argument… McCain ‘won’t bring change to Washington’.  Way to get creative Joe.

SNL GENIUS.  Tina Fey spot-fucking-on appearance as Gov. Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live this weekend gave comedians everywhere hope that SNL doesn’t have to suck.  The only conceivable upside to a McCain-Palin victory in November is the next four years of comedy fodder … perhaps it's not worth the collapse of our nation though...

IN MORE TRIVIAL NEWS: Apple (the crack dealer of the technological world) has released the new iPod Nano. This candy colored array of mp3 players allows you to play games by just moving your hand ala Wii and to shuffle music by literally shaking your iPod up and down. This coupled with new music playing software that mixes sweet-ass playlists for you and the addition of the iPod version of the evolutionary game, Spore, tech geeks everywhere are sure to look like turrets patients on their subway commutes.

-Lorraine blogs because she cares.

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