Monday, September 15, 2008

Political Fashion

by Michael Bouchard

You may not have noticed it, but politicians have a very strict dress code and a lot can be told about a candidate simply by judgmentally commenting on what they are wearing. In another of MTN's voter education series, this week we take a look at what certain clothes mean and how that will help you decide if the person wearing them is really ready to be leader of free world, your local mayor, your boss, or even a parent.

Lets get this right out in the open here. Flag Pins are the must have accessory for any political contender. While the number of flag pins denotes the level of patriotism a person has, politicians only tend to wear one in a mock display of humility. So it's one or nothing. Scratch that. It's just one. To not wear a flag pin is to indicate that you don't give a damn about your country and you're only running for office for the free coffee. Let it be known Alec Baldwin is the most patriotic man on the planet.

A politician’s wardrobe is full of only two colors of tie. Red and Blue. It is common practice to wear the color tie of the opposing political party. This is to show that while you will never agree with their policies, and you think that they would screw the country were they to be elected, and that for holding such dangerous ideas you may view the person as morally bereft, you are not above showing them that you can wear a tie that has its color in common with their party. Also, it should be stated that this is only needed when you appear on T.V., or during debates. On the other hand while in the company of those of your fellow party, un-televised, you are free to wear the color tie that corresponds to the party that knows what it's doing: Yours. An important reminder: only red and blue ties are allowed. Green ties represent the Green party which is full of hippies, purple ties represent the homosexual lobby which is obviously untouchable, with pink ties being more specifically lesbian. Why this is bad, does not even need to be explained to a politician. Brown ties are simply ugly and yellow and orange ties make you look like a clown. White ties are also forbidden as they are related to white supremacists, which certain politicians can't acknowledge in public. This leaves black ties, which obviously relate to the Black Panther party. Though, if on the off chance that you are at a "Black Tie Dinner" then tactically supporting the Black Panthers is ok, because everyone else is doing it.

Politicians don't wear them because they look like idiots when they do. Plain and simple. The same fact holds for all other costume items, like flight suits.

Skirts do not exist in politics. Not because skirts are worn by women. That would be terribly sexist. It's because skirts aren’t worn by men. As well it is known, important political decisions have been made by men. If women wish to empower themselves while they are putting 18 million cracks in someone's ceiling, they must dress like men in order to do so. Ironically, the one candidate who has so far donned skirts (to this blogger knowledge) is the very one looking to take away women's rights altogether. In fact, I hardly doubt that if women's suffrage could be repealed tomorrow, Sarah Palin would campaign in a bikini.

Nothing says that you're in tune with modern mass marketed mindless conformity better than a band of yellow rubber. These bracelets show that the politician, who is just like you, also supports a charity they really know nothing about, headed by an athlete who's sport they've never watched, which takes place in a country they're not allowed to admit liking. Herd mentality, apathy, and feigned animosity are all traits, however, that are encouraged in our representatives because they are exhibited by the public. Truly, it is democracy in action.
-Michael Bouchard campaigns in camouflage and plaid.

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