Ahhh. . . FREAK OUT!!!
Recently here on the old intertubes, there has been endless debate about how Obama should strike back against a surging McCain. The majority of the suggestions tend to be a little one-sided and would work great convincing other Liberals of the talking points, however, they miss their target audience and do little to sway staunch Conservative Republicans of the issues at hand. In order to show that we here at MTN also think we can run a campaign better than David Axelrod, we've compiled our suggestions for winning over brain dead Republicans and the deeply embedded Independents that must live in caves, because they still can't figure out who to vote for.
The main point of advice is to act (or at least think) like Republicans. This should be obvious. While they are the very worst administrators, Republicans are the best campaigners, which explains why they always win elections and then ruin the country. Then get re-elected. What this act entails is slightly more difficult for many Liberals to understand because it goes against everything we think to be important. Like integrity. If you value your integrity, you shouldn't even read about politics much less involve yourself in it.
The most important aspect of acting like a 'Republican Candidate' is to appear like a total douchebag. While this confuses Liberals to no end, it cannot be stressed enough. Conservatives love assholes. Sarah Palin bold-face-sneered at 'Community Organizing' and the RNC crowd went nuts. Why? Who knows. Maybe most RNC participants really just want to be dominated by a pretty woman saying vile things while they are tied to a wall wearing diapers. It would explain Ann Coulter's entire career and the predominance of Republicans involved in kinky sex scandals. So, what is my suggestion on how to beat the Republican's at their own game? It's time to start making serious fun of P.O.W.'s and start spreading the claim that John McCain hates motherhood. "But that's untrue" you say? Well, that brings me to my next point.
In order to woo Conservative voters, you are going to have to lie your ass off. While most Liberals expect candidates to tell the truth and talk the issues, Conservatives love it not only when they are lied to, but also when their rights are taken away. So lie big, and lie often. Now while this might have been the mantra of Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels, Conservatives eat it up anyway because it is now being spoken by their candidate and their candidate simply cannot be wrong. Perfect example: You originally supported a bridge that epitomizes government pork. Solution: Just say that you didn't. Don't worry if you're instantly proven wrong. Keep saying it. Conservatives don't 'fact check' their own candidates, they just listen to them now and believe whatever they say. Not because they want to hear certain things, they just couldn't care less. They vote for someone that looks and talks like them. Thus, Conservatives simply want to know that their candidate is right, even if they're wrong. Because if their candidate is wrong, then according to their voting pattern, they are wrong, and that is impossible for them to comprehend. So, I encourage Liberals to simply say that Obama is white, and therefore, just like conservatives. They may point to his skin as proof that you're wrong, but if you repeat it often enough, they will eventually believe you.
After you've mastered these two points, you'll be well on your way to duping voters into caring about issues that don't matter and thereby winning elections. Now, to tie up any loose ends, take up drinking beer. Apparently, conservatives really care a lot about who they'd rather have a beer with. Liberals may take that path to it's logical conclusion and thereby state that by following such a flawed train of logic, Conservatives would most prefer their unemployed, dirty, listless, college drinking buddies to be president. But there are two glaring flaws in that concept when it is aimed at conservatives. Namely the word "logic", which is said twice. Instead, it must be said that Obama is not only sponsored by Budweiser, but he could drink your ass under the table in about one minute flat. From this, conservatives will conclude, "Yes, this man would make a great leader of the free world." Remember that it doesn't matter if he actually would or not. Truth is an impediment when engaging in Republican politics.
Lastly, find Jesus. Once you suddenly and opportunistically discover him hiding under your bed, declare that everything you want, is God's will. This might sound perfectly authoritarian and dangerous and delusional, but again, we're talking to Conservatives, not Liberals. Conservative voters don't need you to back up what you say with facts. That is why they place so much weight on a claim that is impossible to check. That claim being: 'Jesus loves me and my supporters, but hates my opponent and everyone who supports them.' They're not just disagreeing with your politics, they're saying that you are a bad person by Heavenly Decree. Evil even. Even if the Liberal candidate exudes confidence when speaking, the fact remains that he is confident about the wrong things. Namely: Things that can be verified. Obama needs to state with bold faced, unblinking, confidence that if people don't vote for him, they are not only unpatriotic, but they also will be spurned by Jesus and end up in hell. If you doubt this, it's because you're a liberal and only go to church when someone dies or gets married. Though, in light of all the points we've gone over so far, I'll be pretty surprised if this fact surprises you. Conservatives love assholes who force their lies on you with zealous confidence while being hypocritical drunks. If that isn't church, I don't know what is.
Now get out there and start canvasing!
-Michael Bouchard is ten feet tall, only drinks beer, and thinks those who oppose him are delusional idiots. Vote for him. (Oh yeah, God Bless America!)