Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Introducing the Republican Candidate for VP

Governor Sarah Palin 

Don’t be surprised if you don’t know who she is… even most Republicans aren’t sure

by Lorraine Cink

The Republican party, in hopes of attracting disappointed Hillary supporters, have presented the “Vagina for Vagina” ticket by choosing female Governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. Republicans recognize that the simple minds of women will be so overjoyed by seeing a fellow Vagina-Card carrier, that they will forget all their values and political convictions and ‘Just Vote Elephant!’ Too smart for us GOP!
Former Beauty Queen, Sarah “Barracuda” Palin is clearly overqualified for the job of Vice President. She has not only been a member of the City Council for her ethnically diverse hometown of Wasilla (pop. 6,000: 86% White, 14% Other) but also served as Mayor for two whole terms! Since being elected Governor in 2006, Sarah has presided over nearly 700,000 people in the entire state of Alaska… that’s nearly the size of Columbus, OH or 1/13th the size of New York City! Impressive. She has managed to remain Governor, despite a recall campaign for her abuse of power when she fired the Commissioner of Public Safety for refusing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Palin when asked about the incident said, “You fuck with my sistah, I fuck with yo life, bitch!” It’s also worth noting that during the 1990’s Palin was a member of the Alaska Independence Party, which has attempted to help Alaska secede from the union. Go Patriotism!!!

If John “Older-Than-Dirt” McCain, decides to kick the bucket during his undoubtedly strenuous term as President, there’s no doubt that Governor Palin could round up the PTA for an old fashioned bake sale and pull this economy out of its slump. Or perhaps call in the Boy Scouts of America’s Troop 99 to give humanitarian war relief. How different could running this entire country be from (unethically and heavy handedly) running a town of 6,000? Close enough for government work.

Palin isn’t just a political tigress. She and her husband, Todd, are proud parents to five children: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. Sarah named her children after her real world heroes: the cast of Days of Our Lives. Sarah is also mother to an infant who has Down Syndrome. What is most virtuous about Sarah, is her ability to put family first while keeping her priorities intact. It’s much more important to take on the role of ‘token vagina’ than care for her baby with an disorder requiring constant monitoring that can cause congenital heart defects, gastroesophageal reflux disease, recurrent ear infections, obstructive sleep apnea, and thyroid dysfunctions. It’s refreshing to see someone with such strong family values care so much about their family. In addition Palin announced on Labor Day that her booze drinking, unmarried 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is pregnant. Maybe Bristol, her baby and her baby daddy can all live at the White House too?! Now that’s parenting with family values!

Palin is also a lifetime member of the NRA and enjoys hunting, fishing, drinking the blood of small animals and hating gays in the name of Jesus.


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