By Michael Bouchard
I've watched both debates now and I'm getting a feel for how the strategy works when you're in a debate for the President. I want to pass this onto you, our readers, so that when you are up on stage running for the highest or second highest office in the land of the United States of America, making decisions for millions of Americans, you too can take advantage of these tactics.
1) Talk about the fact that you've been everywhere. No matter what your voting record is, even if you've voted against the betterment of any country, it won't matter if you ceaselessly repeat that you've shortly visited those places (protected by bodyguards).
2) Talk about things you did a long time ago. Because if you did something even arguably right 30 years ago, you can use that long ago, irrelevant decision and equate it to an everlasting correctness in whatever you're proposing now and will ever possibly in the future, no matter how inane your proposals actually are.
3) Wink. I just learned this. Apparently, people think you better understand any matter that effects millions of people and the rest of the world, when you wink at them.
4) Don't say anything. Talk a lot about things people will simply agree with. "We need to be good people" is a comment that no one will disagree with. Continue to hammer on things that are no-brainers and no one can say that you screwed up. Just hope that no one notices that you haven't actually said anything of substance.
5) Don't answer questions. FUCK QUESTIONS. Who needs them? All questions do are force you to answer what you're asked. And that is fascist. Instead, you should refuse to answer what you're asked and talk about whatever the hell it is you want to. Doing so shows that you're a "maverick" and that you won't be held down by things like "questions". You won't let the evil liberal media pin you down with "gotcha" lines like, "What newspapers or magazines do you read?"; an obvious ploy to get you to say something that your handlers haven't prepared you to say. (Questions are to be avoided even more when it is your very competency that is in question. Nothing will undermine your claim of being qualified more than giving answers that are filled with substance.)
6) Talk about your family. Anyone who has given birth(a very small number apparently), is qualified to lead or co-lead of the ‘free’ world.
7) Memorize things. No matter what happens, if you repeat what you've been told, people will be impressed. I know this for a fact. As an actor, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked: "How do you memorize all those lines?", I wouldn't be writing for a political comedy blog right now. I’d be taking a money bath.
8) Lower the expectations. If prior to your debate you repeatedly show that you lack the ability to think thoughts and then put those thoughts into words, it will be that much easier to defy expectations when it turns out that you do have that ability. Somewhat.
9) If all else fails, lean on the other people around you to say what a good job you did, regardless of what a bad job you did.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is winking at you right now.
Showing posts with label VP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label VP. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Vice Presidential Debate Recap
by Lorraine Cink
-Sarah Palin broke the ice by asking Joe Biden if she could call him 'Joe' as they shook hands. Joe Biden cordially agreed.
-The moderator asked questions of both candidates. Sarah Palin, within the first three or so questions, said that she was not going to answer the questions the way you want. . . I just want to talk to the American people. She then said, 'I have cards to read that John gave me... this is the only thing I am allowed to say . Joe six pack. Hockey moms. Alaska-Alaska-Alaska . I'm a normal American just like you!'
-No one can remember anything Joe Biden said for the first 30 minutes as a strange desire to sleep for 90 second increments took hold of viewers.
-Palin misquoted information about the wars abroad. Biden corrected her for which she chided him... proving you don't have to be right to look right.
-Biden held up a large sign that says 'McCain=Bush'. Palin held up a sign saying 'Palin=Cheney' (insisting that the Vice President's power should be expanded within our current system).
-Sarah Palin hurled accusations that Barack Obama voted against funding to the troops abroad. The SAME bill that McCain voted 'NO' on. Biden reminded her of this several times, but she continued to admonish Obama for doing EXACTLY WHAT MCCAIN DID! Do as McCain says, not as McCain Do's.
-Sarah Palin winked at the camera so much that the cameraman actually took his pants off.
-Near the debate's end, Biden became impassioned nearly to the point of tears talking about his sons' well-being (one of which is now serving overseas). Palin rebutted saying, 'John McCain is a Maverick!'. Seriously, WTF? It was at that moment, it was revealed that Palin was actually replaced by a robot since her last Katie Couric interview.
-After the finish of the debate, Joe Biden shook Sarah Palin's hand vigorously and went in for the goodnight kiss. Palin panicked awkward releasing his death grip and ran to the moderator for a good old fashioned cock-block. One of the members of her enormous brood stormed the stage and handed her her infant... proving that Palin is the annoying woman who brings her crying child out to your Saturday night movie.
Please take our poll at the top right of this page and let us know who you think won the debate!
--MTN will vomit if they hear the word folksy ever again.
More Links we like about the debate:
Fact Check on the Debate
See and/or Read it for Yourself
Analysis and Summary at CNN
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Introducing the Republican Candidate for VP
Governor Sarah Palin
Don’t be surprised if you don’t know who she is… even most Republicans aren’t sure
by Lorraine Cink
Former Beauty Queen, Sarah “Barracuda” Palin is clearly overqualified for the job of Vice President. She has not only been a member of the City Council for her ethnically diverse hometown of Wasilla (pop. 6,000: 86% White, 14% Other) but also served as Mayor for two whole terms! Since being elected Governor in 2006, Sarah has presided over nearly 700,000 people in the entire state of Alaska… that’s nearly the size of Columbus, OH or 1/13th the size of New York City! Impressive. She has managed to remain Governor, despite a recall campaign for her abuse of power when she fired the Commissioner of Public Safety for refusing to fire her ex-brother-in-law. Palin when asked about the incident said, “You fuck with my sistah, I fuck with yo life, bitch!” It’s also worth noting that during the 1990’s Palin was a member of the Alaska Independence Party, which has attempted to help Alaska secede from the union. Go Patriotism!!!
If John “Older-Than-Dirt” McCain, decides to kick the bucket during his undoubtedly strenuous term as President, there’s no doubt that Governor Palin could round up the PTA for an old fashioned bake sale and pull this economy out of its slump. Or perhaps call in the Boy Scouts of America’s Troop 99 to give humanitarian war relief. How different could running this entire country be from (unethically and heavy handedly) running a town of 6,000? Close enough for government work.
Palin isn’t just a political tigress. She and her husband, Todd, are proud parents to five children: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. Sarah named her children after her real world heroes: the cast of Days of Our Lives. Sarah is also mother to an infant who has Down Syndrome. What is most virtuous about Sarah, is her ability to put family first while keeping her priorities intact. It’s much more important to take on the role of ‘token vagina’ than care for her baby with an disorder requiring constant monitoring that can cause congenital heart defects, gastroesophageal reflux disease, recurrent ear infections, obstructive sleep apnea, and thyroid dysfunctions. It’s refreshing to see someone with such strong family values care so much about their family. In addition Palin announced on Labor Day that her booze drinking, unmarried 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is pregnant. Maybe Bristol, her baby and her baby daddy can all live at the White House too?! Now that’s parenting with family values!
Palin is also a lifetime member of the NRA and enjoys hunting, fishing, drinking the blood of small animals and hating gays in the name of Jesus.
read more at www.ORGANICFUNNY.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
