Tuesday, May 19, 2009


The spell check rejected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has come up with a plan to ease the plight of homosexuals in the wake of legislative moves against them in past months. 

The governor was recently quoted as saying "Look, shits been fucked up since Prop 8, right? The least I can do is legalize ya ten sack." The move has met with opposition though. Complains have been made that the measure is in a conflict of interests with one of it's main funders, Funyuns: Onion Flavored Rings. Critics claim that the company is simply looking to increase it's main consumer base, stoned people, and doesn't care at all about the plight of homosexuals. 

The company responded to these criticisms in a statement saying "Funyuns has always supported the right to have butt sex and is moved more by the cause of supporting girl-on-girl action than it is moved by the almost certain monumental profits we would see if people en masse could get high and devour our product like they were snorting coke off a hookers ass. Or what ever analogy suits you, you get what I mean." A spokesman for the governor said he is planning a long tour of Amsterdam in order to research the issue and that the governor believes his critics are "a bunch a snivling bitches just lookin to keep the homo-man down." 

The governors spokesman also added a word of caution to gays who might take this as a sign that discrimination against them is lessening: "We've got elections looming, so we do expect to fuck [the gays] over a few more times." He then added, "God bless America, support the troops and all that bullshit. Goodnight."

-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is going to the bar now to meet with the historical anti-prohibition research subcommittee. 

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