Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Further Vetting of Sarah Palin

by Michael Bouchard

As the vetting process of Sarah Palin continues, more and more facts about her have emerged. Mostly True News is providing you with the most up-to-date facts and several MTN exclusives!

An ex-boyfriend from highschool recently revealed that she actually is a pitbull in lipstick. This in turn highlights the major difference between her and Bush: Lipstick.  An aide to Palin told Oprah what she colors her lips with: the blood of polar bear cubs.

Palin's main political advisor on Tuesday told Wolf Blitzer that by being even closer to Eskimos than Russians, she has not only gained experience with them through osmosis, she has even learned the language. The advisor also commented on the fact that, while Palin personally scorns Community Organizing, she will allow communities to attempt to organize through prayer.

Palin's longtime gynecologist recently told Field and Stream magazine that Palin can kill a Moose from 500 yards with nothing other than her overworked and slightly defective ovaries.

Her former cook explains to MTN, that in order to endear herself to Texans, she actually does drink oil at tea-time.

In her mothers memoirs, she states that Palin's talent portion as a beauty pageant contestant was her ability to keep all knowledge of contraception from passing to teenagers. Her mother also tells a story about how every Halloween that little Sarah ever celebrated, she dressed up as a Sexy Librarian. This fact has caused quite a stir, as it is common knowledge that Palin hates Librarians and strongly dislikes the literate.

In addition, MTN has exclusive knowledge that at Palin's high school, the little known "Most Likely to Denigrate a National Election with Petty Identity Politics" superlative was won by her vagina.

The McCain campaign on Friday released two 'rock fucking solid' campaign promises from Governor Sarah Palin. First, is that if elected she promises to fire every cook everywhere and do all the countries cooking herself. (Out of work cooks will be re-employed cleaning up ash from burnt books.) Her second promise is that, if elected, she will have everyone fired who voted against her.

-Michael Bouchard is safe because he's freelance.

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