John McCain's Press Conference Shadowed By Palin?

by Michael Bouchard

In the wake of Sarah Palin's totally botched first interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson Read More Here, John McCain made a renewed attempt to remind the American Public who is actually running for President and to take himself out of the thin, shallow, and very inexperienced shadow of his running mate. To do so, he held a recent press conference and reissued a list of campaign stances that he intends to implement if he is elected President. This is a transcript of the statement he made to the press.

"Hello, and welcome. I am John McCain. Remember me? I’m running for leader of the free world? Good. Now lets get to it. Our country has a few challenges that face it. Challenges I have answers for. I am told our Economy is in recession. I'm also told that people are having trouble keeping their sole, single home. I can only guess the pain this causes most Americans. We are also at war…with a few countries. Maybe more. I'll have to ask Karl about that. I'm also led to believe there are other things to fix.

The important fact to remember when going over the problems I'm told about, are my qualifications for leading the free world out of these problems. Namely, I was in a P.O.W. camp. There were some spectacular government classes there, and being locked up in a room without human contact really enabled me to learn economics, legislation, and the ins and outs of running a representative republican democracy, as opposed to leading an autonomous collective or a representative monarchy. I also learned a lot about how to treat your constituents, and possible voters.

Also, I have character. Remember that, because I talk about my character more often, it is to be understood that Obama doesn't have one. I think that's something a lot of you Press people miss when you're talking about me talking about my character. While my character may not be good at simple math, it is good at deciding on policies that effect each and everyone of us, as long as they don't involve numbers higher than 7. So, when I see poor people facing real, dire challenges, if elected, I will be able to look them in the eye, and solemnly state 'I bet Obama wouldn't know what to do right now.'

Which brings me to my energy policy. Have you seen Obama? Isn't he scary? I'm scared of the guy. Aren’t you? His name alone sends me into a panic. Baraaaaak Oooobaaaamaaaa. Creepy isn't it? I have goose bumps. Go ahead; feel them… they're the ones smaller than the melanoma. By the way, have you seen Sarah’s glasses? They’re great, right?

It is that fact about Obama's intimidating 'nature', which leads me to my policy on the wars that are in other places. Did you know Obama's middle name is Hussein? Do you want a guy leading a war against terrorists with a name similar to one of them? As the candidate for the party of common sense and 1950's values, not only does Obama not make sense to me, a fact that I think is common within my party, but also people with names like that weren't even here in the 1950's! Hello!

As for the poor and underprivileged; I dedicate myself to their enrichment. Every poor person will receive a letter, signed by my assistants computer (because I don’t know how to use mine), reminding them that Obama would just be organizing things and setting up job training for them right now. And Karl tells me that that isn't a viable path for a candidate. So fuck that guy!

Lastly, I want to remind you all, the press corps, that I, John McCain, am nothing like Barak Obama, in basically every possible way. And you can quote me on that.

Thanks for coming and remember vote for Sarah."