By Michael Bouchard
I've watched both debates now and I'm getting a feel for how the strategy works when you're in a debate for the President. I want to pass this onto you, our readers, so that when you are up on stage running for the highest or second highest office in the land of the United States of America, making decisions for millions of Americans, you too can take advantage of these tactics.
1) Talk about the fact that you've been everywhere. No matter what your voting record is, even if you've voted against the betterment of any country, it won't matter if you ceaselessly repeat that you've shortly visited those places (protected by bodyguards).
2) Talk about things you did a long time ago. Because if you did something even arguably right 30 years ago, you can use that long ago, irrelevant decision and equate it to an everlasting correctness in whatever you're proposing now and will ever possibly in the future, no matter how inane your proposals actually are.
3) Wink. I just learned this. Apparently, people think you better understand any matter that effects millions of people and the rest of the world, when you wink at them.
4) Don't say anything. Talk a lot about things people will simply agree with. "We need to be good people" is a comment that no one will disagree with. Continue to hammer on things that are no-brainers and no one can say that you screwed up. Just hope that no one notices that you haven't actually said anything of substance.
5) Don't answer questions. FUCK QUESTIONS. Who needs them? All questions do are force you to answer what you're asked. And that is fascist. Instead, you should refuse to answer what you're asked and talk about whatever the hell it is you want to. Doing so shows that you're a "maverick" and that you won't be held down by things like "questions". You won't let the evil liberal media pin you down with "gotcha" lines like, "What newspapers or magazines do you read?"; an obvious ploy to get you to say something that your handlers haven't prepared you to say. (Questions are to be avoided even more when it is your very competency that is in question. Nothing will undermine your claim of being qualified more than giving answers that are filled with substance.)
6) Talk about your family. Anyone who has given birth(a very small number apparently), is qualified to lead or co-lead of the ‘free’ world.
7) Memorize things. No matter what happens, if you repeat what you've been told, people will be impressed. I know this for a fact. As an actor, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked: "How do you memorize all those lines?", I wouldn't be writing for a political comedy blog right now. I’d be taking a money bath.
8) Lower the expectations. If prior to your debate you repeatedly show that you lack the ability to think thoughts and then put those thoughts into words, it will be that much easier to defy expectations when it turns out that you do have that ability. Somewhat.
9) If all else fails, lean on the other people around you to say what a good job you did, regardless of what a bad job you did.
-MICHAEL BOUCHARD is winking at you right now.